Monday, August 30, 2010

August 31, 2010

While thinking about driving to Dallas I remembered about a lady I met while walking the halls after my surgery.
She looked at me and said that I looked really good. I told her "Thank you" and kept walking. She then looked at me and said.. I had gastric bypass done also. I think my mouth dropped a little because the only thing big on this lady was her bulky robe. She then proceeded to tell me that she had her surgery when she was 450 pounds and she has lost 320!!! This time my mouth hit the floor.
I did manage to ask her why she was in the hospital and she told me that she "forgets to eat". HUH?? She explained to me that she NEVER wanted to be fat again so she was afraid to eat. Who would have thought that a woman who once weighed 450 pounds would turn into an anorexic? As I stood in the hallway I felt the urge to hug this lady because for ONCE I felt like someone knew how I felt. I didn't hug her and I regret it. I also regret not getting her contact info because I think I might have been a good support system for her. All I was able to do is say the following... "Please eat. You have worked so hard, you do not deserve to be hooked up to so many ivs and you don't deserve to be in this hospital. You deserve to be enjoying your new life." She told me thank you with a tear in her eye and said that within the next 5 months I should expect to loose 100 pounds or more. WOW! I wonder? Is that really even possible? 100 pounds before my family vacation? How cool would that be????

Now I ask all of my friends... Please don't let me be anorexic... although I really don't think that is even a possibility.....

August 30, 2010

293! WOW I CANT FREAKIN BELIEVE IT!!!

I have a strange feeling it will be less tomorrow because guess what I did today? That's right the enemas, miralax, benefiber, prunes (no cicles.. just put them in my Ninja and chopped them up like applesauce!)and smooth tea have finally done their job.

I sincerely hope this never happens again! I have never had cramping so bad in all my life!!

Now onto another subject... today is the official day that I can start eating real food. YEAH!!!

So yesterday we went to Costco and I saw something on clearance called "Chunky Chickpeas". Now, I love hummus so I figured... hummus is made from chickpeas so I must like this stuff. When you open the box there are 4 pouches in there. You tear the top and microwave it for 90 seconds.
Ok so this package is 8 oz. and there are 2 servings in each package. For each serving there are 10g of dietary fiber and 9g of protein. Great... I am low on protein.

So I decided to eat the whole package. That is 20g of dietary fiber and 18g of protein. I want to say that this "gluten free, vegetarian approved, kosher" food was so good. I loved all the flavors. The downside.. I am not used to my new system so it took me 4 1/2 hours to finish off the 8 oz. package. I kinda snacked on it like popcorn while watching an afternoon movie. haha

I guess it is going to be strange only being able to eat certain amounts but that is ok.

Tomorrow I get to drive back to Dallas for my 2 week post op appt with Dr. B.

Tonight... I am hoping for a magical genie to come to my house and suck out some more fat and hopefully more poo. ;)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

August 29, 2010

295!!

I have to admit that I thought I would have lost more by now. I mean how can anyone who eats as little as I have lately not just drop pounds like nobody's business???
I don't want to say I am discouraged and I don't want to say "I hope this wasn't a mistake!" but there are days, like today, when I wonder what if....

I know I need to stay positive but when your side hurts so much from constipation then you start thinking negatively.

So now here is my question....

When you have tried 2 enemas, miralax and benefiber, what is next? I did the laxative thing but apparently poo via laxative does NOT count. I even ate like 5 prunes. The result... they came out the wrong end. (Apparently my new system DOES NOT like prunes!)

Are there any recommendations out there? I am desperate people!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

August 26, 2010

298!!!
I can't freakin' believe it. I have finally made the 2's!
I am really surprised because I am "constipated" still AND it's that time of the month.
I wonder what I will weigh when I finally get "cleansed"???

Wooo Whooo

Somehow I don't feel so shitty today anymore.

Oh, did I mention that when I went to my appt with skinnybitch today thier scale said 301. This mysterious 2 number didn't show up until TONIGHT!!
I know you are not suppose to weigh yourself at night but I just couldn't resist. Are you wondering why I couldn't???? My panties fell off when I put them on!! LOL

I can almost picture myself walking into Victoria's Secret and buying TONS of matching bra & panty sets. That's right... I'm trying to bring sexy back because these "big girl panties" aren't doing anything for me right now.

Watch out world... the hotmommatrain is pulling out of the station and on its way to Sexytown! :)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

August 25, 2010

Ok so today my triplets are 8 years old! Since they always have their annual visit on their birthday G is taking them today because I am getting my tube out!

My friend LK agreed to take me after I begged for someone to hold my hand. haha just kidding. LK is the best. I asked her to take me because I was freaked out and she thankfully accepted. So we go to the drs office and I am taking directly to the scale. Ok... was it yesterday or the day before that the scale was 306? Yesterday? I think so. Ok... so I am thinking that the scale is probably going to read higher. The reason?? Mother Nature's Monthly Gift. (Personally I would like to smack the shit out of the person that originally said it was a gift but that's just my opinion!) So, I get on the scale and it says 302! Holy Shit! 4 pounds down from yesterday (or whenever it was) AND I'm bloated! Woo Whooo!!

So I go to lay on the table and the girl takes off my bandage and asks normal questions like... How much has it been draining? When was the last time you drained it? How much was in it? and I'm like "I drained it this morning and the amounts are on that paper."
So as we are waiting in the waiting room I am laying on this table. Now if you know me then you know that I am not a patient person. I HATE to wait. The girl came back in and said that Dr. Barnes was in the OR and he would be over when he was done. Sure enough about 10 minutes later in walked Dr. Takemyfatawaynow. He snipped my stitches and pulled the tube right out. To be honest it didn't really hurt. I mean there were a few stitches that had made themselves comfortable with my skin but it was nothing to scream about. I did almost scream when I saw the other end of my tube. I am not sure how they got that thing in there but it was VERY LONG!!!
So while he is in there I ask... So I have been having this intense cramping. Like I feel like I am dying and I am doubled over in pain. MAJOR CRAMPING HERE. So he asks me where? I point and his answer... "You need to poop!" HUH?? "Seriously, you need to poop, that's it!"
After what seemed like a 10 minute lesson on how the rectum works I left with a knowledge that benefiber and miralax are going to be my new best friends. Oh, that and Protein.

So, LK being the good friend that she is drove me to Target for some benefiber and cupcakes. While there I bought my trio some presents and everyone some new underwear/panties... except h (he only wears Calvin Klein). While walking around Target we ran into our good friend GP. As we were all standing there I realized that my friends are not only gorgeous on the outside but they are gorgeous on the inside. I feel really blessed to have such wonderful friends.

Next stop The Vitamin Shoppe! Oh boy this one I am dreading. Dr. B. scolded me because I am not getting enough protein. So LK wanted to be sure to take me there. This man kept talking up this one that has 50g and it is only 4 oz. I was like.. Cool... that might be an easy one to try. I bought 2 of those and then 2 Protein Blitz ones. In the car, LK insisted that I drink some to get started. Ok let's just say that I drank some and I kept it down. I wish there was some way I could put it into words how horrible this particular one was. However, I can't because that would mean that I would have to relive it and NOBODY should have to relive that stuff... NOBODY!

So now I am on a quest to find a protein supplement that will give me 50g of protein. I am open to all suggestions but my requirements are:
It cannot taste like shit!
If it is in pill form (Preferred) it needs to be rather small, or at least small enough to put in my handy new pill splitter.

Thank you!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

August 24, 2010

A week ago yesterday I had my surgery. I expected this to be an easy recovery and so far it is anything but. I hurt but the hurting is not from surgery points. I am hurting with cramps. Yes, I am still cramping! It hurts like hell. Tomorrow I will get this unexpected drain tube out. At one point I am super thrilled and on another I am scared shitless. I see that it is stitched to my chest so the idea of how they are taking it out is nerve racking. How on earth are they going to take this thing out?? Better yet, will my friend LK hold my hand? Does a 40 year old need to hold someone's hand? I am afraid I might because I have been googling up a storm and can't find anything on how they remove these things!

On a side note today was the first day of school. It was also the day that RK went home. So today is a day that I am a ball of emotions. I told myself I wasn't going to cry but I found myself having a little pity party for one.
h started Kindergarten and after meeting his teacher and talking up the classroom, teacher and everything else I could think of we find out this morning that they put him in a different classroom. I was so sad because h is the one kid that doesn't do well with change. So to say that his morning started off good would be a lie. In fact when I left he was laying down in the middle of the floor of his new classroom.
kld did much better. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing each of them home individually from the NICU. Now they are in the 3rd grade and will be 8 tomorrow.
TOMORROW!! What kind of parent "forgets" about their kids birthday? I guess I just kinda figured we would do something a little later on. Now here it is and POOF nothing is planned! I hope I feel better so I can be apart of my family's life again...
H started 5th grade today and that was bitter sweet. I remember crying when she was starting Kindergarten. Come to think of it, she is the only one that I cried for when they started Kindergarten. Why is that? Is it because she is the oldest? I wonder?

At any rate, here I am.. talking to my diary again. I weighed yesterday and the scale said 306. I am so excited. It seems that the 2's are right around the corner.
Now it is time to remind myself... I can do this. I can do this. The pain has kicked my ass but I can do this! I KNOW I CAN!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

August 22, 2010

Yesterday I woke up feeling like crap but still managed to weigh myself.. 314.

Today I woke up feeling the same. In fact I woke up, let Irving outside, took my pain medicine, drank some water and went back to bed. I woke up again 4 hours later to the sound of the phone ringing. The dr on call last night FINALLY called me back. I literally had to call the answering service twice. When the dr called me he admitted that he saw my page but "forgot" to call back. Since I am keeping liquids down with no fever then he feels like my pain is "normal post operative pain". My thinking is this... If my pain medicine is NOT helping this particular pain then this is NOT normal. You can be sure when I see Dr. Barnes on Wed to get this tube out that I will be asking about this pain. It sort of reminds me of your worst pre-menstrual cramping times 1000! NO EXAGERATION!

Ok, now that I have tried to explain my pain let me tell you that I NEVER expected this. I honestly don't know what I expected. I just know it wasn't this. I guess I figured that I have had 2 vertical cut c-sections so this would be a "no biggie" surgery. I can now say that I was WRONG. This surgery has kicked me on my ass more than I expected it to. If any of you thought I was tough with a high tolerance for pain then I am here to tell you that it is time to change your perception. I am weak with little to no tolerance for pain.

On a positive note I took a shower today. I love taking showers. They seem to make you feel better when you are at your worst. In the shower I was able to use my new Bath n Body Works stuff from my FWMOM friends. Ahhh, that smells so good. Thank you! Yes... you heard me right... I SMELLED IT!!!!!
When I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and it looked like my top "roll" was smaller than before. HHHMMMM??? I decided to get the scale down and weigh myself. 308!!! WOW!!! I feel like total crap but I can see it is working. Hopefully soon I will start to feel better. As soon as I do I will be able to start using that gym membership I am paying for.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

August 21, 2010

Ok, have you ever woke up and felt like you must have been dropped from an airplane onto hard ground? That was me today. Yesterday was an awful day but more on that later.

While I was in the hospital my friend KG brought over dinner to my family. SO SWEET! Thank you! Then my friend SV brought over some brownies. My kids thank you!

Thursday
My dear friend LK came over and brought me a gift from my FWMOM friends and dinner. The gift was a collection of this week's gossip magazines (National Enquirer, Star, etc..)Perez Hilton's book and a whole set of Bath n Body Works in a ceramic container. Oh how they know me so well..... I am a celebrity gossip follower... yeah I know... it's pathetic but I enjoy it. LK also offered to drive me to Dr. Barnes on Wednesday so I can get this tube out.
When LK left, my wonderful neighbor SR called and said send the kids over so you can rest while G & R (he's in town) take H to meet the teacher. Instead, I walked over in my gown with the other 4 kids and I sat in her comfy recliner while she made dinner for my family. After meet the teacher, GR&H came over. They all ate dinner while I sat in that recliner and watched food network. lol
I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends that look after me.

Friday
My dear friend GP called and offered to pick my kids up and take them to her house so they could swim in her new pool. Instead I had G drive me and the kids there. It was so nice to sit there, visit with friends, munch on ice and have other people watch my kids. THANK YOU GP, MMcG, LK, AC and TH! YOU LADIES ARE TRUELY THE BEST!
I had G pick us up so that we could go to meet the teacher. The crazy thing is that my friend AG stood in my reserved parking spot until I got there. (I was even told that SV helped her too!) You see... I paid for a upfront parking spot at the school and there is a sign that says.. "RESERVED FOR SILENT AUCTION WINNER". That would mean it is reserved for me. Well apparently there are a lot of people at DPE that can't read because EVERYTIME I go up to the school, someone is parked there! It is really starting to piss me off. I wish there was some way the school could advertise that the space is MINE and people better stop parking in it. So anyways, AG stood there for like 5 min waiting on us. We walked around and were meeting all the teachers when K tried to get my attention by tapping me at the area of the incision that had its own medicine ball. It literally took my breath away. I gave K the look and told him to NEVER touch me in the stomach area again. I bet it was less than 5 minutes later when he pretty much slugged me right in the middle of my chest. The problem... that is where my drain tube is attached! To say this one took my breath away would be an understatement. I came home, took some medicine and pretty much went to bed feeling like I had been dropped from an airplane. I felt like I couldn't breath at all.

This Morning
I woke up with a pain in my side that can't be described because it hurt so bad. My tube had 80cc in it where it normally has 50 in the morning. So all day, I have had this cramp in my side that just won't go away. It was hurting so bad earlier that I decided to take some pain meds and take a nap. I think I slept for about 3 hours. Now tonight, I have the same feeling. It is not getting any better and I don't know if I should call or if this is normal.

To be honest with you.... I NEVER thought this would kick me on my ass like it has. I expected to feel better already.

The good news.. I finally pooped! lol

Thursday, August 19, 2010

August 19, 2010

Ok, so I am home. Actually I got home yesterday evening. My plan was to come home on Tuesday but I had to stay another day. In all honesty, I am greatful I didn't have to stay longer... which was considered.

When I started this diary I never thought I would get so honest. I have to say that I am greatful for my honesty. This diary has been cheaper than therapy but just as effective.

So, if you are squimish, you might want to stop reading. Yes, I did have complications and yes I will write them down but first let me tell you about my surgery preperation.

Sunday afternoon.
My mother picked me up at my house on Sunday and we drove to my brother & sister-in-law's house. We decided that we would spend the night with them because they are only 20-30 minutes away from Baylor Dallas.
That night at M&M's house thier pug Luigi was non-stop kissing me. When he wasn't kissing me, he was right next to me (he even tried to follow me to the shower!) Somehow I think that cute little dog knew that something was going to happen. That night Luigi climbed into the bed with me. He slept so close to me, I could barely move.

The next morning that cute dog started barking, whining and running in circles as we were leaving.

Monday morning.
My mom drove us to the hospital. We parked via "valet" and walked the couple of blocks to the entrance of the Roberts tower. We went up to the 2nd floor and checked in. They checked my temp, blood pressure, oxygen and heart rate. The time 7:30 am!
They handed me a gown in a bag and told me to hang onto it until they called me back. At 8:40 or so, they finally called us back. I was told to strip and put the gown on. I sat there waiting and waiting and waiting. I got my stuff checked again, bp, o2, temp and heart rate. Then I got a shot of lidocane so they could try to start an iv. FAILED ATTEMPT #1, 2 and 3! Another man came over to start the iv. Yup another shot of lidocane. FAILED ATTEMPT #4, 5 and 6 (blew my vein). Another man came over with another shot of lidocane. He got it on his first try! Then a nurse came over and told me to drink some water with the 3 magic pills in the cup. Then she put on some industrial strenght knee highs (compressions socks) and some slipper socks. She then covered me with 3 warm blankets as I waited again. Finally they told my mom to go to the waiting room with instuctions on how to see how I was doing.
They wheeled me away in that nice little rolling bed. When I got into the OR they asked me to roll off the bed and onto the ICE COLD table. I heard the nurse anethistist talking with the anesthisiologist about different places to eat as I was staring up at the big lights above my head. (Up until this point I was NEVER nervous!) The anesthisiologist said that I was going to be getting sleepy soon. I looked to the left at the clock and it said 10:15.
I woke up in recovery and immediately looked at the clock... 4:40!!
I noticed there were 4 nurses and 2 doctors by my bed so I said the following.. "Hey I thought the surgery only lasted 45 min and then I would be in recovery for 2 hours. Why the heck am I still in here?" They all smiled and one particular grabbed my hand to hold.
At 5:15 or so I was in my own room, which happened to be a suite!

If you are wondering what happened during those "lost" hours then I will explain them now. Apparently they didn't even tell my mom. Dr. Takemyfatawaynow explained it to me when I asked him about the blister on the inside of my lip.

Apparently when I was in surgery I developed shallow breathing and a low heart rate. My heart rate got worse while in recovery. The blood bliser in my mouth was caused when they had to "re-tube" me in recovery. My lip got caught under my tooth and stayed like that for a while. The reason they had to re-tube me was because my heart rate dropped to 25 at one point and they couldn't get it to go higher than 35. During those lost hours they kept pushing some sort of medicine in my iv to "jump start" my rate. When I woke up to see everyone standing around me, I was looking at all the people fighting to keep my heart rate normal.

So that is what happened. I also woke up to find a "medicine ball" attached to me. Dr. Barnes had to attach it because he had to cut the left muscle in my adominal wall. That little ball was pumping medicine directly into that location.
I also saw a drainage tube attached to the middle of my chest. That was a surprise. My mom said he told me that he might have to attach one but I don't remember that conversation at all. So it was a combination of all these things that made me stay an extra day in the hospital.

I could not have asked for a more knowledgeable doctor than Dr. Barnes. He is truely the best. The nurses, techs and even the housekeeping staff at Baylor Dallas were some of the nicest people I have ever met! They were so nice all the time. When my iv blew on Tuesday, they called in an iv expert to re insert one.

I am so greatful to all my friends and family that called me. Your support means more to me than I can say. I love each and everyone of you.

I am confident that I will feel better soon. Until then, I kinda feel like I have been hit by a truck.

Friday, August 13, 2010

August 14, 2010

Ok, I am about 2 days away from my surgery and my psychiatrist thinks I should write myself a good bye letter to my fat self. She actually suggested I start a diary, but we'll just say that I did that already with this blog. Today's weight 312.

If I am going to say good bye to my fat self then perhaps I should say good bye to all the shit that has happened in my life. You know the shit that I am talking about? No? Ok, when you explain a situation to a shrink and they say "This could have easily been the start of your overeating!". That is the shit I am talking about. There have been many prescriptions and counseling sessions with expensive professionals throughout the years to explain to me how I got this fat. Not one of them ever said "Put down the fucking candy bar fatass!" nor did they say... "You are fat because you sit on your ass all day and eat microwave popcorn for lunch!"
They have all thought the weight stemmed from one issue to another.

It has been 1 week since Dr. Kookoo told me to write this letter. The more I thought about it the more a quote stuck into my head...

That which we are capable of feeling, we are capable of saying... Miguel de Cervantes

Ok, I have felt these tormented feelings for a long time so it is time to say Good bye.

For those who want to judge me after this I bring a quote from Ephesians 4:32 KJV....


And he ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I hereby say good bye and formally resolve all feelings from the following....

It was never my fault that I was sexually abused from my step-dad from a time I don't remember until I was a Senior in High School. I am ready to forgive you RM. You took away my innocence. You encouraged my provacity. You tried to ruin my life. Instead you made me weary of real feelings and eventually made me a stronger person. You are the reason that I look at men differently and you are the reason I will always look at men who look at my daughters. For that I thank you.

It was not my fault when the guy I was crazy about date raped me my Senior year.

It was not my fault the next year when I got raped by my boyfriend, resulting in a pregnancy when I was 18.

It was not my fault that I got a gun pointed to my head by said boyfriend, demanding an abortion.

It was not my fault that I got a ping pong table thrown on me when I refused the abortion.

It was my fault to go through with the abortion. I was young and I was a coward. Guns and ping pong tables should never be a deciding factor in any decisions.
It is a regret that has haunted me my entire life and I am ready to say good bye to that regret.
With that said... NOBODY should be judged by their decisions. NOBODY knows the full stories of the women that have to make these hard decisions. As an 18 year old seeing horrible picket signs and being harrassed as I walked through the door did not help my mental state. Would I do it again? No... of course not, my beliefs now are completely different than when I was 18. However, will I condemn someone that has to make that decision under harsh circumstances? Never!

It was not my fault when one of my best friends from high school decided to throw me out of my apartment in the middle of the night because my "girlfriend beater" boyfriend needed a place to stay. After all these years, I am ready to forgive you CM. You were my best friend for many years and you threw it away. I am now ready for you to come back into my life if God so sees fit.

I am now ready to admit that being plagued with infertility is not because God was punishing me for the abortion. For years and years I honestly thought this was the reason. I kept telling people that I was being punished for my sins. I honestly thought that I was given a chance to have a baby and I blew it.
If you are reading this and think "That rationalization does not make sense!", then you have never had problems with infertility.
The hormones alone will get you if the stress doesn't.
It is my opninion that if a marriage can survive infertility treatments then there isn't much more that will destroy it. You must be completely "on the same page" with your spouse/significant other to go through it. (I think parents that undergo fertility and/or have multiples, age in dog years!)

I am also ready to forgive Dr. Imakebabiesformoney. I was 13 weeks along with G and I's first baby when an office assistant called to tell G that the pregnancy "wasn't going to be viable after all". He was told that it should "pass in a few days" and if I had any questions.. give them a call. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THE PHONE CALL WENT! This is also the first time I ever saw my husband cry.
I picked up the phone and demanded that the Dr. see me privately. I marched into his office and told him how rude he was. His quote... "Since you had an abortion when you were younger, I didn't think hearing this would upset you."
Yeah... whatever you're thinking right now.... imagine being on hormones AND sitting in front of this man saying these words.
I honestly wanted to hit him but for the first time in my life I felt "something" holding me back. I strongely believe it was God telling me to not bother with him.

I am also ready to forgive myself for thinking it was my fault that my quad pregnancy turned into a triplet pregnancy at 14 weeks. I thought it was something I did or said to myself that caused that 4th baby to not make it. It was NOT my fault this happened, it was just another speedbump on my way.

For anyone that I have done wrong I apologize. I never meant to hurt anyone intentionally.

With that said...
I am ready to say good bye to the fat Kim..
You have sheltered me from the real world. I have put up a good front for
people but you have always been in the center of all my thoughts. I wish
I never let myself get this way. I don't even know how it happened. One
day I looked in the mirror and there you were. I never want to see you again.
I am ready for a new day. I am ready for a fresh start. I am ready to be seen
as the person I know I am inside. I am ready for my family and friends to be
proud of me. I am ready for my life to change. I want to be the best I can be
and that is not possible with you around. It is time I said Good bye to you.
You have been around longer than you needed to be. I am ready to be the Mom,
wife, friend, daughter and sister that everyone can be proud of. I will embrace
one more picture with you for my reminder that you will never be around.
My life is going to change for the better and pretty soon I won't be known as
FAT KIM, I will be known as HOTMOMMA!!

This is my last post until after my surgery so I will leave you with a final thought that I give to my friends and family......

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement.
Philemon 1:7

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

August 10, 2010

Ok, I have decided that I don't really need to update this everyday anymore. All I am doing is drinking liquid crap and eating cucumbers and sugar-free popsicles. All I have to say about that is when you eat ONLY cucumbers and sf popsicles then they start to kinda taste alike. I am really not enjoying any of these things anymore. I used to enjoy the sf popsicles but they are actually starting to taste a little strong to me.

So today I wake up and leave my house before Starbucks is open. This should NEVER happen to anybody!

I drove to Baylor Dallas to do my pre-op appointment. I actually hit less traffic than I thought I would and ended up at the Doctors office BEFORE they were even there. I found a nice couch down the hall and sat and read about Chelsea Clinton's wedding. (Seriously, I don't give a rat's ass about her or her wedding but I had that or Shape to read. Really? Shape magazine? Ahhhh.... no thanks!)

So anyways, I go in to sign in and I start chatting with an older gentleman in a scooter. (Not at all like the spark scooter K has but more like a "power chair".)
This guy was BIG... I mean I know I am big but this man made me look skinny. I sat there talking with him like we had been friends for years. He was so friendly and willing to talk to me too! (Gotta be a nice guy!) Well turns out he was at the hospital for the same stuff because his surgery is on MONDAY too! In fact when I have to be at the hospital at 7:30 he has to be there at 10:00.

1st appointment... leg sonograms. Ok this is easy enough. I lay on the table sans pants and they pour the COLD gel on my leg and rub that scanner thing over my skin. I actually kinda felt like someone was massaging my legs. Then the lady noticed my kid necklace and asked me how many were on there. After the usual OH MY GOSHes she started telling me all the things that she would like to try to change about her adorable step-son. Ok, yes I have 5 kids but I am in NO WAY an expert on parenting. Don't believe me... ask my kids!
After somemore pleasantries she proceeded to tell me that I was very smart and informative. Then she said I had no clots or clots forming so I was good to go to the next activity of the day.

Next stop... counselor lady. Sign this form. Sign this form. Initial here. Initial here. blah blah blah (lawyer stuff lawyer stuff lawyer stuff) Initial here. Sign here. Ok... you are good to go to the chest x-ray.

Chest x-ray. Ok this one is going to be easy. I am going to stand in front of a screen, take a deep breath and be done. One small problem.... the chest x-ray is in the OTHER tower. Ok..... walk what feels like a mile between millions of towers and I finally find the right spot... a nurse's station. The nurse looks at me and says... "Oh you need to come here first not the chest x-ray because I have to sign you in and give you a paper bracelet for every station you need to go to!"
My thought..... HUH?

Sign here, fill this out, sign here, initial here, here's another packet for you to fill out, here are some swabs that I am going to stick up your nose and spin 5 times to check for msr? or something. Hand cramp and itchy nose later I was ready for the lab work. But first... the scale... 315. OK I MUST be retaining water because how can I weigh the same as last Friday???
Chest x-rays will be last.

Walk to ANOTHER area to get the lab work done. As I am sitting there I said outloud "6 more days Dear Jesus, 6 more days!" About 2 seconds later a black lady comes around the corner and asks me if I just said that. (Immediately I think... ut oh... she might be Jewish and I might have just offended her.) I looked at her and said that it was me and I apologized for offending her. The lady looked at me and started cracking up laughing. Apparently she said the SAME THING at the SAME TIME but used 3 days instead of 6 in her prayer. We both stood there and laughed until we cried. She then finished my labs and personally walked me to the EKG area. (Nice to meet you LaShonda!)

EKG... the lady tells me... unhook your bra and slide it over your boobs before you lay down. Ok, this sounds easy but when you have to practically use origami to get your boobs in your bra (or boobcup as h says!) then it is not as easy as it sounds. I am thinking it is not a pretty sight either.

EKG done and time for Chest x-rays. Yup you guessed it... another tower walk! I have decided that the person who designed the Baylor Dallas campus must have been super obsessed with that game Labyrinth.

I wait for the x-rays in another waiting room when a lady walks in with her ONE child. This kid must be on crack. He was running around, climbing on the coffee tables, pouring the coffee out of the dispenser, throwing magazines like they were airplanes... if you can imagine a kid doing something bad in a waiting room... he was doing it. At one point a lady asked her if she could tell her child to stop. The lady looked up and said QUOTE "I don't want to upset him". Now imagine a certain futurehotmomma drinking a sobe one minute and shooting it out her nose the next!
I saw a smackdown in my future... good thing they called my name next.

Chest x-ray sans bra and top and jewelry accomplished with no injury to anyone!

I was free to go!!!

One problem... I had no idea where I started this journey at and therefore couldn't remember where I parked my car. I walked to a tower that looked familiar and got in to press the underground garage buttons but there weren't any so I stepped off. As I stepped off ENTER MCDREAMY OR MCSTEAMY (Don't really know... never watched that show!) SO... DR MCDREAMYSTEAMY looks at me and says.. "Hon are you lost?" I looked around me thinking he was talking to someone else and said "maybe. I am looking for the elevators that go to parking garage 3" His reply... "blah blah blah blah" HONESTLY I couldn't hear a word he was saying because he was so HOT! I was imagining him saying "Oh, why don't i just escort you there personally. Afterwards we can go make out somewhere!" haha

Hey don't make fun a girl can dream....

Eventually I made my way to the correct tower and correct elevator.

5 hours later I was on my way home.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

August 8, 2010

Ok, I have decided it is time to get real.
My surgery is 1 week from tomorrow.

Here are some recent revalations....

I fucking hate cucumbers.
If one more person at Costco says... "You sure must like cucumbers." to me one more time, it is highly possible I will stalk them in the parking lot and squish thier ass with my big 'ole van!

I hate celery without squeeze cheese and so I have decided not to even bother.

Did you know that if you cook cucumbers in the oven with seasoning on them, they come out resembling zucchini?

Did you know that I hate zucchini?

Do you know how much I love Starbucks?
So much that when I go through the drive-thru they ask me "Would you like your venti skinny cinnamon dulce latte hot or cold today?"
Oh yeah... I even have a personalized GOLD Starbucks giftcard.
Yeah, I am that obsessed.
Now, do you know that I will only be able to have DECAF coffee or tea and it has to be limited to 16 oz. per DAY!!!!
Per day???
I drink more than that 2 or 3 times a day!
Do you think the employees at Starbucks will forgive me?? Do you think Starbucks is going to ask for their gold card back? Do you think a tall is 16 oz because I know a venti is bigger than that? Do you think they sell a skinny cinnamon dulce latte decaf?






Sorry for the pause... I was wiping my tears away.........

Ok... for the reality... I have decided to fill in my numbers from the scale.
If you are reading this and I see you on a regular basis all I ask is that you don't look at me in horror.

I AM DAMN SERIOUS ABOUT THIS PEOPLE!

IF YOU LOOK AT ME THE WAY MOST PEOPLE DO I WILL BE PISSED OFF!

IT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE I AM SOME SORT OF MONSTER EVEN WHEN I THINK I LOOK KINDA CUTE!
IT IS BAD ENOUGH WHEN LITTLE KIDS LOOK AT ME AND SAY... "WOW, SHE SURE IS FAT!!" (Nice job stupid ass racist parents!)
IT IS BAD ENOUGH WHEN I HAVE TO THINK THAT MY KIDS FRIENDS ARE SAYING SHIT BEHIND THEIR BACKS ABOUT HOW FAT THEIR MOM IS!
IT IS BAD ENOUGH TO BE THE ONE ON THE AIRPLANE THAT NOBODY WANTS TO SIT NEXT TO!
IT IS BAD ENOUGH TO GO TO A RESTAURANT AND PRAY THAT I AM NOT SEATED IN A BOOTH!
IT IS BAD ENOUGH TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE WHEN I TAKE MY KIDS TO THE POOL!
I SEE THE LOOKS FROM THE LIFEGUARDS, MONITORS AND OTHER PATRONS OF THE POOL!
I KNOW I DON'T LOOK GOOD IN A BATHING SUIT SO STARING AT ME AND MAKING SIDE COMMENTS WHEN I WALK AWAY WILL NEVER MAKE ME LOOK BETTER!

IT IS BAD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AS A FAT PERSON I AM TREATED DIFFERENTLY!

I am not asking to be skinny. I just want to be of "average" size so that the discusted looks don't always have to be directed towards me.

I already know I am fat so making fun of me won't make me skinny. It will just make me madder.

I am always trying to please other people so that they will be my friend. If this is the reason that I am your friend then I want you to stop being my friend now.

If you think that me doing this gastric bypass is "the easy way out" then you have no idea how hard I fight every damn day of my life.

If you are uncomfortable about being seen with me now, then I don't want any part of you when this process is over!

Just because I will NEVER be fat again, doesn't mean that I will put up with your ignorance. I am the same person on the inside so if I am around you and make fun of someone because of race, sexual orientation or size I will ALWAYS give you my opinion! ALWAYS!!! If you are lucky, I won't walk away from you!

The time has come for me to take a stand.
I AM ABOUT TO UNDERGO A METAPHORPHISIS AND YOU ARE EITHER ON MY SIDE OR YOU AREN'T.



Now that I have that off my chest... I am ready to reveal the numbers because in a week they will NEVER look this bad again!



STOP JUDGING NOW!!!



When I decided that G's insurance was going to cover gastric bypass I was in the doctor's office dealing with my foot.
They asked me to step on the scale........ 340

The day I went to see Dr. Barnes (aka Dr. Takemyfatawaynow)the scale read... 335

The day I saw the dietician the scale read... 338. That is also the day I started this diary.

When I went for my scheduling appt with Dr. Barnes the scale read 320!

When I got back from Austin the scale read 328!!! (I was retaining a lot of water!)

When I got home from Galveston the scale read 320.

When I went to my weight loss class on Friday their scale read 315!

From now on when I update... all numbers will be disclosed.

From here on out I will have full disclosure and will hold nothing back... not even some stupid numbers.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

August 6, 2010

Ok, there have been some changes going on and I have been so busy absorbing all my information that I am literally been too overwhelmed to write.

I have been eating edamamme as my protein supplement because I hate my slimfast and I am so sick of cucumbers.
Well today I was in my WLS (weight loss surgery) class.
I learned that the reason the doctor puts you on a liquid diet is so that it will shrink the fat around the liver and parts of the liver as well. Apparently the part of the stomach they need to get to is laying under the liver in the back. I also found out that Dr. Takemyfatawaynow will know if you have been eating when he goes in for the surgery. SHIT! No more edamamme.

I can do this!

I also found out that once my surgery is over, I am not allowed to have slimfast!!!! When skinnybitch told me that I thought I was going to fall out of my chair.

Apparently the "liquid diet" you have to be on for 2 weeks after surgery is not the same liquid diet that I am on now. It consists of low fat cream of chicken soup, broths, sugar free pudding, sugar free jello, stage 1 baby foods (I shit you not!) and some canned vegetables.

I was really starting to wonder if I could do this but I really think I can! (I just have to get past these 2 weeks first!)

My surgery is overnight and I am having my mom take me instead of LK & GP. I love my friends more than they will ever know but I really feel like I want a family member present. So next Sunday night my mom and I are going to spend the night with my brother and his wife. They live in the Arlington area so that is closer than far South Fort Worth to Dallas Downtown. Besisdes I have to be there at 7:30. My surgery will take place around 10 and it should last only 35 minutes. Apparently Dr. Takemyfatawaynow is some kind of bariatric surgery genious. Good for him... just get it right and don't screw up!

I can do this!

In the meantime, I have to find a multivitamin to take twice a day (Flinstones with Iron recommended).
A calcium tablet with calcium citrate, Vitamin D and magnesium included.
An Iron supplement.
A B-12 supplement.
A protein something or another (shake, bar, soup, etc...)

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE taking pills??????
Now I will be chewing them at every meal!

I can do this!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Aug 2 ~ Aug. 4

Ok.

So I drank a LOT in Austin. I ate in Galveston and now I am home and I am suppose to stick with cucumbers, celery, sugar free popsicles and slimfast.

Monday Aug 2 I did fine.
Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE slimfast???
Well regardless of how much I hate it, I have to get used to it because I will be drinking it for the next month! uughh

Tuesday Aug 3 was a little harder.
I had only 2 slimfasts during the day.
I knew I was going to the Aerosmith concert so I was trying to prepare myself in case the "drinks" got really tempting.
Ok. so at the concert I went straight for the pretty swirl margarita in the 2-3 foot glass. YEah.... well at least it is liquid and I really wanted those yummy nachos!!
Then Blue October was finishing up and we thought that it would be best to pee now and refill our beverages.
This time I opted for the 24 oz can of Bud Light Lime.
Again, I passed on the nachos and hot dogs!
Came home, drank about 5 glasses of water and went to bed around 3 am.

Wednesday Aug 4
I am still not weighing myself because I think I gained a lot in Austin.
I am trying to drink 6 slimfasts but it is hard! Especially since tonight I am making fajitas. Oh, I LOVE that beef!!!!
I could even smell it grilling. Oooh la la.
I ended up drinking 4 slimfasts and eating an entire package of mini cucumbers.

I now have an appt on Tuesday the 10th in DALLAS. I have to do some pre-op stuff. They said it will take around 3-4 hours.
I told G that he has to take off 1/2 a day because I won't be home. To say that went over very bad would be an understatement. The man knows I want his support but his hard headedness won't give it to me. However, he did already let his work know.
Is he coming around???

In great news my surgery is on the 16th at 9:30. I have to be there at 7:30 and it is an overnight stay so I have asked my mom to take me. We are going to spend the night at my brother and sister-in-laws place because they are closer to the hospital than I am. (THANKS M&M!!)

I got 4 prescriptions that I already filled.
1 is a patch that I have to put on the night before surgery. After looking at it closer I realized it is the same patch that my friends GP and TH wore on our girls cruise. Ok... so now I know that I will have blurry vision for a few days.

1 is prescription pepcid that I will start taking the day after my surgery.

1 is prescription hydrocodone. Ok, this one I am used to because of my foot and back. However, this particular prescription is LIQUID!! Have you ever seen liquid pain medication?? Weird weird and a little scarey.

I have to go buy Miralax and start taking it "the day before the day before surgery". Ummmm... dipshit at Dr. Takemyfatawaynow office.... can't you just say to start it on Saturday?

Then there is the last prescription..... shots.......... 14 of them............ that I have to give myself in the stomach...........
Now, I don't mind shots. I gave them to myself for fertility. I can totally do this... or so I thought...... The stomach? Really?? When the Walgreens pharmasist asked me if I had any questions I said.... "Can you do this one in your thigh? I am used to the thigh?" Um no, either your arm or your stomach. Do you have any other questions? "Yes! Can you come over and administer the shots for me?" (PUZZLED LOOK) duh duh duh I don't think so duh duh duh "No worries mon... just kiddin'" (Come on... who doesn't love screwing with people once in a while?? Although part of me might have been a little bit serious?)

Now, I am really starting to miss food and the realization of not eating certain things is coming upon me.

I really thought I could do this but now I am just not so sure............

Monday, August 2, 2010

July 25 ~ August 1

July 25
Came home from PTA conference. Packed kids suitcases and the van.

July 26 ~ July 31
Took Irving to the doggie hotel and drove out of town to Galveston.
My family had a great time in Galveston. We went to the beach and relaxed as a family. I stuck to my slimfast for breakfast and lunch but I ate the same dinner that I made for my family. The place we stayed at had an oven so we actually only went out to dinner 3 times. The first was at Little Caesars the night we got there so I just drank a slimfast. We also went to Golden Corral (my kids favorite!) and to Fisherman's Wharf (my ultimate favorite!).
The other nights I just cooked.
There was a Wal-Mart close by so I gathered all my groceries there. I even bought a 10x10 shade there to protect our sunburned faces further.
Our days consisted of me making breakfast while everyone packed the cooler. After breakfast we gathered our beach stuff and WALKED to the beach. We would leave around 6, walk back to the hotel, shower the sand off at the outside showers and swim in the hotel pool for a little while. While everyone else was swimming, I would go back to the room, take a shower and start dinner. At night we would all sit around and watch a little TV while snacking on POPCORN. YES I did it! I ate spicy nacho microwave popcorn 2 nights in a row!!

August 1
We checked out of our hotel and drove to NASA. Since L wants to be an Astronaut Doctor, G thought that this would be a great "field trip" for her.
We stayed there until 5:30!!!
We left there and went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner.
Came home around midnight.

All in all we had a fabulous time. WE were going to come home on Saturday but we decided to stay an extra day.

Tomorrow I start my all slimfast all the time because my surgery is 2 weeks from TOMORROW!! WOO WHOOO!!!!!!!!!

July 24, 2010

Ok today started out decent. I went to some classes for PTA and I walked around the convention center and looking at all the vendors.
I went to this one booth and bought the CUTEST pair of flip flops on the planet!! First of all I am surprised that my fat feet can fit into NON BOY Reefs but it happened... They are those cute ones from Yellow Box and my feet are HAPPY!!!

Later tonight we (me and my PTA buddies) have dinner at Fago de Chao... which is like Texas de Brazil. I ordered a drink (ok 4) that was so yummy! After dinner we decide to go to 6th Street. (Come on... we're in Austin!)

We hit one bar I get my vodka/cranberry and honestly I struggle to drink it. It kinda tastes like a mixture between lighter fluid and juice. YUCK!! My friend SW got a gin & tonic with a splash of Rose's Lime. Ok... whatever that concoction is... I LOVE IT!!!

We go into Coyote Ugly just to say we were there. However, when the lady with the the short top and as many fat rolls as me jumped up onto the bar to dance I figured it was way past time to leave! (My eyes are still burning!!)

4 or 5 bars and gin & tonics later everyone leaves except for me and SW. We decide we are going to do some palm reading and tarot cards.
Let me start off by saying that I NEVER EVER do this. I don't believe in it. I think the people that do this are either full of shit or so stoned they think they can read anyones future. HOWEVER!!! Let me tell you this. That tan gray haired man with his little area next to the $1 jello shot bar made the little hairs on my arms stand up. I shit you not! I won't get into what he said but he pretty much got it all right. FREAKY!!!!!

Ok so now that my buzz is kinda gone thanks to the hairs on my arm, SW and I decide to go back into the bar that looks like an ice bar. It is called Pure!

Well we picked the best place to stand because the bartender was SO HOT!! OMG!! I wanted to reach over the counter and lick him! OMG!! This dude belonged in the movies! SO HOT!! WOW!! YUMMY!!!

Sorry... had to wipe the drool off myself again thinking about him...........

So there we are ordering the gin & things and this CUTE guy looks at me and says... "You might want to step back because I just ordered a flaming Dr. Pepper."

I look over and see these glasses 1/2 way filled with beer with shot glasses stacked up on top. The other hot bartender is now juggling bottles that have fire on the end of them. My hot bartender blows on the glasses at the same time the other bartender lights it up. I have never seen a fireball in a bar before! This was the coolest thing ever!! The bartender then knocks all these shot glasses into their own beer glass and the cute guy and his buddies each grab a glass and slam it!

Guess what happened next.... YUP! I asked SW if she wanted to drink this with me because I wanted to try it. She says sure and the bartender says... 4 minimum! Ok... that is 2 a piece.... beer/amaretto/151..... no problem! HA

S and I cheered each other and slammed our 2. It was so yummy, we ordered another round and slammed 2 more.
Lets just say this... as we walked our 4 blocks to the hotels. S told me that she wasn't sure when she drank so much. I told her I wasn't sure either but I bet that it was with her next door neighbor (LK... gorgeousskinnyblonde)! We laughed all the way back.

FUN FUN FUN
THANK YOU SW!!!!