Almost there!

203

I honestly can't believe it!

I am so close to the 1's now I can almost see it.

I do have bad days where I "forget" I can't just grab whatever and expect to eat it.

I am not hungry but my body thinks I am.

I think "Uhm... I think I'll have a snack."

Then 10 minutes later I'm hunched over the toilet wanting to kick my own ass.

I'm still here!

I'm still trying!

Shit I wish I was there already!

The 2s was my first goal.

The 1s are my next.

What magic number am I looking for after that??

Honestly... no freakin' clue.

All I know for sure is when I reach my goal I want to have surgery to get rid of all this damn skin. Dr. Takemyfatawaynow thinks I have about 60 pounds of skin!!!

Can you imagine getting rid of that much skin?? WOW!!!

The final surgery will be the most important....
Grab my boobs off my knees and put them where they go!

218

218

HOLY SHIT

I am only 19 pounds away from the 1's!

Since my revision, I have lost 22 pounds!!

I know that the next few months won't produce results as dramatic as this because I no longer have to eat broth!!

Whoop! Whoop!

I am on to soft foods again.

I know that when I started this blog I was honest about what I ate and what I thought of it and so forth. This time I am going to be even more honest.

Even though Dr. Takemyfatawaynow "suggested" that I don't drink alcohol, I did last Wednesday.
You see I went on a girls outing to Dallas to see Wicked.
Before the show we went to Twisted Root Burger Company for dinner.
This is a place that was featured on Diners, Drive ins and Dives so you know their food is AWESOME!

Well my bff LK ordered the burger I was drooling over.
It had bacon and blue cheese on it.
How can it not be fabulous??

Well we decided to split our dinner and I asked her to cut off 1/4 of that burger.
I removed the bun and immediately ate the bacon. YUM
Then I started to eat the burger portion with the blue cheese with a fork.
(Did I mention I had water while all the other bitches I was with were drinking beer??) LOL
I must mention that even though I probably only ate 1/2 of that burger, I also ate some fried pickles, like 4 of them. :)

Then we drove to Wicked and I immediately found the bar. (I know, its a gift!)
I ordered a vodka/cranberry... no bubbles.
OMG!!!
I am not sure if its because I hadn't had an "adult beverage" in forever or what but I sipped that sucker to try and make it last.

Let's say I am a cheap drunk again because when everyone else went to refill their drinks I was afraid to. You see I love my friends and they love me but even still nobody needs to be carrying my "stillfatass" to the car.

Even though I had 1 drink I felt kinda guilty.
You see I want my Dr. to be proud of me.
I want to be the patient that exceeds all the others.
I want to walk into his office and have him say "WOW!"

He already told me that I'm doing great and when I mentioned to him that I have a tricycle he said he wanted a picture of me on it just for him.(SWOON!!)

Then he said, when I reach my goal weight he wants a picture of me on it to put on his website.

Website? Smebsite!

When I reach my goal he is gonna want to put me on a billboard!!

254

254

That is the number that has been on my scale for EVER.
I tried exercising. I watched what I ate. I even tried to be nicer.

and yet....

254

No matter what, there was no change.

254
254
254

I know that this seems like a ridiculously high number to see on the scale.
You're right!
254 is a huge number.
But you know what??

384

That number is much higher.

384

That is the number that I saw when I was at a doctor's visit.
384
That is the number that haunted me as I approached 40.

How in the hell did I get myself in this position?
How in the hell did I get to be so fucking fat?
384
The sad part....
I didn't see it.
I actually thought I looked good.
What in the hell was I thinking?
NOBODY looks good at 384 pounds!

 

 

I thought I looked HOT in this picture.

HOT

HOLY SHIT what was I thinking???

How many freakin' chins can you count??

How round is my face??

What in the hell was I thinking??

 

So you know what I did. I had gastric bypass.

And for the past year all I have seen on the scale is

254

254 is better than 384

254 is better but not good.

 

So you know what I did.

I jumped through some pretty large hoops and decided to have a revision done.

You see it seems as though some people's bodies reject the gastric bypass.

Mine did that.

I did what I was suppose to MOST OF THE TIME

Yes, I'm not suppose to drink beer but sometimes I do.

I can't help it. I love dark beer on draft and if I have to drink a bottle I prefer Peroni and Belgium 1554.

 

A few beers didn't sabotage me.

 

Well before I went on my girls trip this year I went back to my liquid diet for a while so I could get in a smaller size.

It worked.

I wore a size 18 and the number was 248

248

248 but with my "fatsucker" that I bought at Target I was able to zip (while laying down) a pair of size 16 bling butt jeans.

248

248 is better than 254 but not much better.

 

Then I started doing the liquid diet again to get ready for my revision when I found out I had to have an emergency hysterectomy.

 

After my hysterectomy the scale said 244.

244

244 is better than 248 but I did have my uterus, tubes and ovaries taken out.

 

The night following my revision surgery the nurse said I weighed 240.

You see I was on a bed with a built in scale or something.

240

240 is better than the 254 I saw forever.

 

Well today I went to visit Dr. Takemyfataway to get my jp drain removed.

I was trying to decide what to wear and I reached for my size 16 bling butt jeans I bought for my girls trip.

Well obviously I couldn't wear my fat sucker because of the drain.

(Shit, I was lucky I could put my bra on!!)

 

While STANDING I put on my size 16 jeans and there seemed to be some wiggle room in the waist.

 

 

223

223

 

223 is what the scale said with bling butt jeans ON, a shirt on and a jp drain still attached!!

 

223

 

Is 223 the number I want to be at??

Hell no!

Is 223 a good start??

Hell yes!

 

Am I in pain from my surgery?

Yes

Am I on a liquid diet right now?

Yes

Am I sick of broth?

Yes

Am I sick of feeling like crap?

Yes

Am I sick of not being able to drive?

Yes

Am I sick of being forced to rest?

Yes

Am I sick of asking people for help?

YES

Did all those feelings go away when I saw 223 on the scale??

HELL YES

 

You see, I am in pain. I am sick of broth. I am sick of "resting". I am sick of not being able to drive.

I am sick of asking people for help.

 

However, I know that it will be worth it.

 

To some I may seem shallow trying to look my best.

To others, I am really no different from anyone else who tries to look good.

 

384 didn't look good to me.

254 didn't look good to me.

 

What will look good to me?

I can't say for sure.

 

I do know that I am on the right path no matter how hard this path may be this is what I have chosen for myself.



What's Going on??

Ok... time for some explanations..

Yes I have basically had 2 back to back surgerys.
The first one was a total hysterectomy on Feb 28th.
The second one was on MONDAY.

For stupid insurance reasons I had to jump through a bunch of hoops but it boils down to the fact that at 12 on Monday I went in for surgery.

The results are as follows...

 

3 inches was removed from my intestines

3/4 of my original pouch was cut off

a hernia was found and fixed while he was in there

 

So that is what I had done. The surgery lasted approximately 4 1/2 hours.

Once again I showed slow recovery with a low heartbeat and I couldn't keep my oxygen stats up.

They put me on oxygen and monitored me around the clock.

They made me get up from my hospital bed around midnight to walk the hallways and go to the restroom.

They kinda laughed at me when I asked for a toothbrush. :)

They came in my room every hour or so. I was hooked up to a morphine pump but I also had a medicine ball attached to the "sorest" area.

The next day I passed my upper gi test but my blood pressure went to 89/46 but gradually went up to 99/50. They put me back on oxygen and told me to get comfortable because I wasn't leaving anytime soon.

Wednesday I asked (begged) to go home. My blood pressure eventually went up a little, they took away my pump and said that if the blood results were good I could leave.

I got home Wednesday night around 7.

I missed my kids. I missed their smiles and their sweet voices.

Now I am home. I feel miserable but at least I knew what was basically going to happen.

This surgery is being labeled "revision".

IF I thought for one minute that the original gastric bypass hurt, then I clearly had no idea what pain was because this sucker is knocking me out!

 

Now, you know what I did and why I was in the hospital.

 

Hopefully by summertime, I will be really cute again. ;)

 

Thank you to all my friends who called to check on me. Your calls meant the world to me!

Is this school year over yet??

Well this year has been total shit as you all know.

However, this Thursday (tomorrow) little h will be leaving Sundance and headed back to his elementary school.

He has been at Sundace since February 13th and to say that I am scared shitless would be an understatement.
He has made remarkable progress. He smiles a lot now and that is something I didn't think I would see again.
All his medication has been changed and some more has been added.

Is the meds the reason for the change? I can't say.

I know that whenever he says something negative, he has to say 2 positive things about himself.
I LOVE this rule and wish I could implement it into the school district.
It could be called "littleh's law".

Can you imagine if all school kids were forced to say 2 positive things about themselves??

It might cut down on bad behaviors all around.

Anyways, as I was saying, I am really scared for him to go back.

You see while he was at Sundance, I had a total hysterectomy. I was able to have the surgery, spend the night in the hospital and recover like I'm suppose to because I knew they would never call me.

Now the time has come for my other surgery.

You see, ever since my gastric bypass I have felt like something wasn't right.
I stopped losing weight.
I started spending way too many hours in my toilet room.
I always felt naseous.
I kept having intense stomach pains.

Well, after having Dr. Takemyfatawaynow do a scope on me we have found some issues.

It seems as though I have an intestinal blockage and my pouch has failed as a result.
What does this mean??

I have to get it fixed.

My Dr. wanted it fixed several weeks ago but the "emergency hysterectomy" took precedence.

Now it looks like I will be having it done next week.

NEXT WEEK is when little h goes back to school.

There are so many what ifs going on in my head that I have worked myself into a frenzy.

I want what is best for my son but I also need to take care of me.

Am I being selfish?
I feel selfish.

Shit... my life feels like it is in the toilet.

Miracle #5 update

Oh my goodness where do I even start...

Little h (as I call my youngest) did fine over Christmas break and the first few weeks back at school. I explained to him that I was going on my annual girls trip and that if he behaved then I would pay for him to go to the Y afterschool that week. (His buddy A goes there!)

Well he seemed to get his shit together so I paid for his week. I did remind him that if he "blew it" while I was gone then we were going straight to Sundance (behavior center). He acted great and I thought wow the Y is his carrot. Then while I was gone, the Y called G to come get h, it was on a Thursday. G took off work the next day to get h directly from school instead of letting him go to the Y. I got home Superbowl Sunday and he told me that he was going to spend all of Monday in the BIC room because of a "little problem on Friday". I told him that I was dissapointed. When I picked him up Tuesday he never came to the van so I had to go into the school to find him. He was in the BIC room rolling around on the floor & screaming. I won't bore you with the details but basically what could have been a small problem escalated unnecessarily. (in my humble opinion). That was the day I called Sundance. I allowed him to go to school on Wed. but we went to our appointment at Sundance on Thursday. After interviewing us they told me he would start on Tuesday (a week ago yesterday). h went to school on Friday and Monday and acted SUPERB but by that time the damage had been done and a new plan was in place.

Before I signed him out of DPE I had an ARD that told me their diagnostic findings did not show h to have Autism.
Also, his sleep study showed NOTHING. No apnea, no restlessness (usually found in ADHD kids), no unusual brain activity. NOTHING!

So, basically h has been at Sundance for week one of a 4 ~ 6 week program.
They have changed his medicine and officially diagnosed him with bi-polar disorder.

How did all this shit happen??
At least I am finally getting answers.
I am also going there for therapy once a week.

h will be 8 on March 16th.

How do I feel about this?
Scared, confused, worried, stressed, etc., etc., etc....

I did just now buy tickets to the Monster Truck races for Saturday. I even got the more expensive ones so he can go in the pits.

It will be a date with just h and me.

I always seem to relate to a particular song during all my stressers with h. This time I find myself crying as I sing "I will Wait" by Mumford & Sons.

The lyrics follow....

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

 

 

Please continue to pray for my family.

This will be something that we can never escape and I need the strength to get through it.

Miracle #5 Update

Ok... so it has been a little while since I blogged about little h.
I tried to explain into words what was happening.
Well we have had some new developments that I feel like I am not mentally prepared to deal with.

I have found another PINK song that helps my words...

Ever wonder about what he's doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

 

Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by

 



But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try

 

 

It started 3 weeks ago when h got mad at school and made a statement of wanting to kill himself.
Are you thinking "What the hell?" right now?? I know I sure was. What 7 year old thinks of this??

Well this happened during a week when I was at h's school running the Holiday Shop. I was there ALL DAY everyday for a week. I spoke with the counselor and asked if she believed he was serious. She told me that although his words did raise some flags she said that his words didn't raise all the flags. To me, I felt that she didn't believe him. (My thoughts). So I did what I figured any parent would do. We went home and had "the talk". I basically told him that saying things like he did scares people. I also told him that if he ever said anything of that nature again then I would drive his butt straight back to Cook's for another psych evaluation and possible admittance. The next day was h's appointment with his psychiatrist so I told Dr Pleasefuckinghelpmyson what he had said at school. For those worried that I talked in front of h, I did NOT. (Every week, I take the first 5 minutes of h's time to talk about the events of the week. Then h talks on his own for the next 55 minutes.)
Well we agreed that Dr. Pleasefuckinghelpmyson would explain to h what our plan was.
Basically... get it together or we are checking you into Sundance (8 week program instead of Cook's 10 day).

h got the message and started back to school without saying anything freaky.
Then I got a call a week ago Monday. I was not home and had plans for the day.
They said "COME GET HIM!" I was shocked because I had heard that once he was in BIC then I wouldn't get anymore comegethim phone calls. I asked what was wrong and they said that he became VERY agitated at school and told someone he wanted to kill himself. WTF???
So I figured it was another "IsaidsomethingstupidwhileIwasmad" speech so I dismissed it and told them I would pick him up around 1:30 when I got home. At first they said that was fine. Then I received another phone call saying that was NOT fine. So, I called my neighbor across the street and asked her to get him. (h and all my kids think of these neighbors as grandparents!)
When I got home at 1:30 I went to get him from SR. She said that he was fine. He helped her with some Christmas decorations and then played on her computer. She didn't see him as a danger to himself at all. In the end I made the decision to take him to Cooks anyways. I had told him if he ever said it again, we were going so we did. I made arrangements for my other 4 with SR and SV. h screamed at me the entire drive there saying how much I hate him. At this point I just told him that I loved him too much to argue and then I turned the volume on the radio up.

When we got to Cooks the check in guy asked why we were there. I looked him straight in the eye and started crying. Somehow I got the words out and we were evaluated right away.  Just like in September, the psych ward intake people interviewed us. They finally determined that he was good to go home and suggested Sundance. We got home around 6:30. G came home and took the boys to boy scouts at 7. (Personally I didn't think h should go but G insisted it was good for him.) They got home around 8:30 and I sent h to bed. What happened next had NEVER EVEN been on my radar.

We got a knock on the door at 9:30 at night by CPS!

Yup, thats right. Someone at the school that I spend so much of my fucking free time at called CPS on me.

Welcome to my world! If you want to stop reading now I completely understand because I can't guarantee that my language will get any better...


Still here???
Ok, I will continue....

CPS! My first thought that came to my head is "HOLY SHIT!"

Luckily for the first time in my life my filter on my tongue worked.

They told me that they were the "Emergency Night Crew". (HOLY SHIT)

Then they saw my other 4, who hadn't gone to bed yet, and asked me how many children I had. When I told them that h was the youngest of 5 they both looked at each other with the "we'renotpreparedforthis!" look on their faces.
Then they requested to talk "alone". NO KIDS in the room! NO SPOUSE in the room! So I sent HKL and D to bed and then I sent G to bed too and directed the CPS people to my couch.

They proceeded to ask me a TON of questions about h and what happened at school.
I told them that I knew about what happened and I also told them that I drove him straight to Cooks when I got home.
When I told them this, they were clearly shocked and also looked at me like I was lying.
I asked them if they wanted to read my discharge papers and when they said Yes, I showed it to them. They then looked at me straight in the face and said "You just made our jobs a lot easier!".
That is when the rest of the conversation begins to blur.
You see my stomach dropped and suddenly I realized these 2 CPS workers were there to take my child away from me.
I feel with every fiber of my being that they would have if I had not taken him to Cooks.

I ended up answering their questions for 2 hours. I told them about how I punish the kids. I told them the medicines that the kids are on. I told them I did NOT take any medicine (with the exception of pepcid). Every question they asked I answered with nothing but pure honesty. I told them that h had a pediatrician, a medicine doctor, a pediatric dentist and a psychiatrist when they asked me if we had doctors for the kids. They asked me how often we see the psychiatrist and I told them "every Wednesday at 4".

They then asked me how I deal with stress.
I was confused my this question and asked them to clarify.
I told them that I am a mom of 5 children so I "just do".
I told them that I have some awesome friends (GP, LK & SV) and I talk to them nearly everyday and they help me more than anyone.
I also told them that I take a girls trip every year. I explained that I deal with stress by thinking of how many days are left before my annual trip (40).
They asked if they could talk to my children at school.

I told them yes but they had to be sure that it was done with discretion. Then they talked to G for about 5 minutes (with me in the room) and proceeded to take pictures of h sleeping, my pantry, my banister and my dishes in my sink.
They left around 11:45 and stayed in their car, across the street, for another 45 minutes!!

Tuesday came.........
I explained to the kids who were at our house and why they were there. I also told them that they would be interviewed at school. My kids said "What should we tell them?" I looked at my kids straight in the eyes and told them that they needed to answer the questions with "total honesty".
Then I told h I was going to make him a one time deal.

The deal.....
Get your shit together and get out of the BIC room and back into your normal classroom.
Stop saying scarey stuff.
If this is done then I will allow him to stay in the schools aftercare program while I am gone on my girls trip.
If this is NOT done then I will drive him to Sundance immediately with no questions asked.
I then reminded him that if he is in Sundance while I'm gone then his daddy has to go to work late everyday to drop him off and he has to leave work early everyday to pick him up.
I also told him that if he is in Sundance then he will no longer be able to see Dr. S. (I call him Dr. Pleasefuckinghelpmyson) because he will be under another doctors care.
I then said "The choice is yours because I am DONE!"

Wednesday came....
h earned enough points to join his class for Math!
CPS came and interviewed my children at school.
ALL my kids answered with honesty except for K!
He told them that I locked them outside for punishment and G spanked over and over and over again.

Thank GOD for H! They interviewed her after K.
She told them that K is in a "lying phase" and the only time I ever lock them outside is when I am carrying presents from my van to the closet.

Saw Dr. Pleasefuckinghelpmyson and told him of our "deal" and CPS.

Thursday came...
h earned enough points to join his class for ELAR and Math!

Friday came...
h earned enough points to be in his class ALL DAY!!

Weekend came...
Monday came...
h stayed in class ALL DAY!

Tuesday came...
I called my friend who used to work for CPS for advice.

Wednesday came...
h stayed in class ALL DAY!
For the first time since seeing the psychiatrist, I didn't have to talk to him alone!

Thursday came (yesterday)...
I received a phone call from our CPS case worker. She said that she needed to interview some people for character witnesses. I explained to her that our Principal offered to be one. Then she asked if I could email her h's discharge papers from Cook's. I assured her that I would and she told me that she would most likely be closing the case soon.

So today is Friday and my stress level is evening out for the most part. I have emailed our case worker and now I wait.

I want everyone to know that if it was not for GP, LK, SV, SR and SS I am not sure I would be so "together" right now. I owe these people for their unwavering support. This has been one of the darkest days of my life. I love these ladies more than they will ever know.

Please continue to pray for my family because this is something we will be dealing with for the rest of our lives. Right now h is on the right path and I pray to God everyday that he stays on this path.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers and for not judging us.