I was in Cancun B*tch!

Ok so a few weeks ago I was able to go to Cancun with 5 really awesome ladies! It should have been 6 but LK couldn't make it this year (BOO!!).

Yes, usually we do a girls cruise but TH wanted "Somewhere on LAND!" so we found an all-inclusive!

Can I just start by saying that you DO NOT have to drink your money's worth in the first 4 hours??
I won't go into details because most of my travel companions read this blog but I will say that after 4 hours, we had some "Hot Cancun boyfriends (from Canada)" in the 21 year old range, our own personal medic, a group of "non-approving" women, the hotel staff knowing us AND our room number, a few girls (21 yr old range) mad at us because they were hitting on the 10 Canadian boys, a friendship with the cutest couple from Manhattan (she was a former Miss New Jersey) and my own creepy stalker guy!

So as you can see it was pretty much like any vacation I take with my girlfriends except this one was ON LAND.

I will say this.... as a MOM to 5 who is approaching 42, I still know how to have fun!
Here are some of the highlights....

• Cancun is a BLAST if you go with the right people!
• "The City" is the craziest club I have been too!
  (We literally had our own escorts to/from the restroom!)
• The bartenders at our hotel made the BEST drinks!
• My personal "shots only" plan worked wonders!
• The bus rides at 3am are funner than the clubs!
• Even in my 40's I can still attract guys, even if they are creepy!
  (Shout out to you JP wherever you are!)
• For those of you who laughed at me when you found out I bought blingy eyelashes... I got hit on by a HOT girl the night I wore them! As I tried to explain that I don't float that way, she was telling me that she couldn't help herself because "your eyelashes are so beautiful"!! HAHAHA
• Traveling with a friend who is pregnant is almost an absolute must!
  (They can fill in the blanks, just in case!)
• Tostados, refried beans, coffee and diet pepsi really do make the BEST breakfast.
• Sitting on a beach chair all day is really relaxing.
• The insulated cups I bought on zulily keep your frozen fruity drink frozen!
• Authentic Cancun tacos taste awesome at 3 am!
• Senior Frogs wasn't as fun as I had hoped!
  (Maybe it was because I was wigged out about a couple who brought in their 9 MONTH old and 3 year old kids with them!)
• A hour long massage on the beach feels so much better than at a spa!
• Walking on sand is a workout!
• Listening to a Cancun lady sing "Cupid Shuffle" is something that should be experienced by everyone!
• "Ciroc" coconut vodka and pineapple juice should be available everywhere!
• It is now a proven fact that you can get sunburned on a cloudy day!
  (However, I am sporting a pretty awesome tan right now!)
• While at the market, every 5 minutes someone was trying to get me to buy a shirt that said "I'm in Cancun Bitch!"
  (Why? Why would I buy this? Is should have said "I was in Cancun Bitch")
• Even at an ALL INCLUSIVE there will be some creep who "buys" you and your friends tequila shots.
• Having the hotel maid leave you and your friend "Lovebirds" out of towels is something that makes you both laugh all week.

All in all, I had a blast. Even though G says I can't go back next year I have a feeling that this time next year I will talking about another trip. 

Get a Mirror!

Ok so last week my family went on vacation. We were blessed to be able to go on the new Carnival Magic! While we were in the Embarkation process, we had to show our passports to security. While holding out all 7 passports the security personal start calling out everyone's name. When they get to mine they look at me, look at the passport and look at me again. The woman whispers to me "You might want to think about getting a new passport." I was like "Why?" Then she winked and sent us on our way.

So like for the next week I was thinking how cool it was that some hot lesbian was hitting on me.

Then the LONG day of debarkation came. I knew it would take a long time and I knew we would all be tired and cranky. Lets face it, debarkation SUCKS at any time but when your ship is delayed because of FOG then it royally sucks because you have to listen to all the people bithin' about it and blaming Carnival. (Back up a few hours... Where I nicely pointed out the Royal Carribean ship stuck in the bay to the port side of us when a lady was complaining about Carnival and the fog!... Even tired, I can be the greatest smartass around!)
Oh, back to debarkation. Here I am making sure we have all suitcases, carry ons & of course children counted for when the HOT security guy asks for our passports. Once again I hand them over, Gary's on top, then the kids' (in age order) and mine on the bottom. He starts going through the roll call. Everyone is holding up their hands as thier name is called.
Then he comes to mine and he stops.
He looks at me.
He looks at the passport.
He looks at me.
He then says "You need a new passport."
I thought to myself (This is so cool! First a hot security lesbian hits on me then a hot security man! I need to get a job at the Port of Galveston!!)

Here is how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: Huh? Why?

hotborderpatrolman: Seriously?

Me: Yeah. Why do you say that?

hotborderpatrolman: Look at your picture.

Me: Yeah I know it sucks. I didn't know you could get another picture just because your picture sucks. I thought it was like the dmv and you just kinda get stuck with it.

hotborderpatrolman: Kimberly (we're on a first name basis now! wink wink), you need a new passport because the photo doesn't look anything like you.

Me: Well I would imagine that people change their hair a lot since they are good for 10 years.

hotborderpatrolman: Huh?

Me: Why would I have to change my picture just because my hair was long and now it is short like a boy??

hotborderpatrolman: Huh? This doesn't have anything to do with your hair. I'm talking about your face. You don't look the same.

Me: Are you sure your holding my passport?

hotborderpatrolman: Yes m'am. You look like you have lost a lot of weight.

Me: Thanks, yes I have but I don't see that big of a difference.

SUPERhotborderpatrolman: Kimberly Ayn Heuermann you need to go buy yourself a mirror! Have a safe trip home.

Ok so maybe it is time I started re-evaluating the way I look with the way I used to look. Why can't I see what everyone else sees? Seriously! Why did I seem so stupid to think that these people were flirting with me?

Geesh.... I think I need a drink.

Hey Stranger!

Hello all! I know that it has been a while since I have written here.

A few people have suggested to me that I am not writing because I am not making myself accountable. To those people I say FUCK OFF!!

In all honesty my life is crazy busy & I just dont "make" the time anymore to get on here.
Am I still trying? HELL YES
Have I reached my goal weight? HELL NO
Am I happy with what I have already accomplished? HELL YES
Do I see myself as FAT ASS KIM still? HELL YES
Why? I only wish I knew. I see the smaller size in my clothes but the mirror looks the same to me.

Another reason I haven't written is that I have had some major health issues and I am just not physically able to stare at the computer screen all day.Not to mention I just broke 2 fingers so typing is taking FOREVER!!

With that said, I think I am entering the "pissed off" stage in my transformation.

You see I am starting to take offense to people.

FOR EXAMPLE
Someone recently said to me...

"Oh my GOD! Kim is that you? WOW! You look almost UNRECOGNIZABLE!"

Unrecognizable? Are you f'ing kidding me?

Was I seriously that hiddeous before??

I honestly just don't know how to react anymore. My wit is diminished and my fingers hurt!

Fruits and Nuts

All my life I've heard...
If?
Ifs and buts
were fruits and nuts
we'de all have a
Merry Christmas.
AND
What if?

What if frogs had wings?

Then they wouldn't bump their butt everytime they hopped!

Well back when the Cardinals were 0 and 10 in August I said

"Wouldn't it be cool if the Cards were in the World Series with the Rangers?"

Most everybody laughed at me, even the ones that are "rooting for the Cards now"! (Fair weather fans!)

Then they had to play the Phillies.

I said... "Yup they will win and play the Rangers!"

I was told "There is no way the Cards can beat the Phillies!"

(We know how that one turned out!)

Then the NLCS came and once again I said "Cards are going to win and play the Rangers in the Series!"

Again I was laughed at.

(Who's laughing now?)

All this time I was rooting for the Rangers of course.
I dragged my family to about 10 games this year.
The only one that didn't complain was H!

So, I said "If the Cards play the Rangers in the World Series, then Hannah and I are going to go!"

Game 1 of the Series I said "This is going to go 7 games and the Rangers will win by 1!"
I was able to score 2 tickets to Game 4 on ebay! When G found out how much I paid for EACH he decided that H should definetly go with me instead of him. (LOL!)

We had a blast!

In fact, we had so much fun I came home and looked on StubHub for tickets to Game 6 & 7. Sunday evening there were tickets available on StubHub for a little over the $175 face value. That's right folks there were seats available for $225!! (A LOT LESS than what I paid for Game 4!)

I seriously contimplated it. I thought we could go and visit all our friends and family while we're there!

Then I decided to "sit on it".

Last night I looked again... this time the Standing Room Only tickets were $450 EACH!!

Ifs and Buts!!!

If

I had bought the tickets I would be in St. Louis right now!!

If

I had placed a wager in Vegas in August I would probably be watching the game from some ALL INCLUSIVE resort with my buddies!

But

Now here we are a few short hours away from Game 7 of the World Series and instead of getting ready at a friend's house and driving to the stadium OR sitting on a beach somewhere, I am getting ready to drive to the school to pick up my 5 kids!

I think for dinner we might have some fruit and nuts.....   Oh What if???

GO RANGERS!!





Are my nipples straight?

Ok one quick question before I get into my doctor appointment....

WHY do all waiting rooms feel like you stepped into an icebox (freezer for you younger peeps)??

I mean seriously I would like the answer to the above question. You see I went to the place that did my MRI today so that I could get a copy of the films. It was freezing in there!

Then... I drove to thebraindoctor and that office was freezing too. The longer I sat there the more I wondered if my nipples were straight. I immediately thought of my good friend GP and a night in an Austin hotel room. She simply said "Are those your nipples??" Yup they were pretty much dragging the ground at the time and she was amazed at how low and alert they were!

So as I sat in the freezing waiting room, listening to the loud ticking clock and thinking that I could smell chicken, I hoped my nipples were straight since they were obviously "awake". I think the man reading his book was hoping he could hit himself in the head with that clock after noticing me trying to "adjust the old girls" nonchalantly!

Back to my appt.....

My blood pressure was elevated again (148/99). Dr. N came in to go over the x-ray and MRI results.

My neck pain is caused from TENSION!! You see, a normal person's neck is suppose to be "c shaped" from a side profile and mine is pretty much straight. She said it is straight because all the muscles in my neck are pulling on the top of the spine.

My migraines are "more than likely" caused from my vitamin deficiencies. She thinks that once my B12 and D are straightened out then all will be ok on the migraine front.

The MRI films that had my physician and the radiologist thinking ms....

Yes, there are some lesions in the brain. However, she does not feel that they are ms. She said they are just something that we can monitor for now.

So we got good news today!
\
TENSION??? What in the hell do I have to be stressful about?
Oh... waiting on MRI results that showed "abnormalties"?
Wondering if my migraines will ever quit?
Worrying about a friend in the hospital?
Not knowing if my husband was going to survive the current round of layoffs?
Worrying if my son, who had so many problems last year, is having good days?
Worrying if we will ever find the right ADHD meds for my other son?
Worrying about my hormonal daughter and hoping she doesn't act at school the way she acts at home sometimes?
Worrying about my other daughter that seems to be getting meaner everyday?
Worrying about if I will ever be able to sit at a computer screen long enough to finish something that was due weeks ago?
Wondering if I will ever get out of my depression funk and be more productive during the day?
Worrying about if I am being a good enough wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend that I can be??

On second thought maybe I should just go suck it up and get a massage.... even though I hate them and constantly think about other things while I'm getting one...... OR maybe I should just have a glass of wine and call it an early night!

R E L I E F? Is that how you spell no more pain??

Relief?

Not yet... I honestly think it might be time to take me out back.

Yesterday I went to the Neurologist. As I waited in the waiting room there was an old couple rustling papers, a chatty cathy that didn't know how the hell to shut up, a lady reading a book and a really weird chic that kept staring at me. She finally said that she liked my flip flops. Then she said she liked my shirt. Then she said I was pretty. (In the words of my children... AWKWARD!) Do you know the best part of the waiting room?? The loudest ticking clock on the planet. Part of me wanted to pull the clock off the wall and hit the weird chic in the head with it.... I did refrain..... this time.

Are you wondering about the MRI?? My fucking doctor didn't send the film over like he said he was going to do so we didn't get to discuss that too much.
She asked if they did an MRI on my neck as well as my head and I said no. She asked if I had complained about my neck and I said YES. She took a deep sigh and said she wanted me to get it xray'd because she felt something in my neck. I did that today and I wish I could read xrays because these pictures are pretty cool.

She also saw that my bloodwork showed extremely low levels of vitamin B12 and vitamin D. Yeah the bloodwork that was done a month ago that my fucking doctor didn't bother to call in prescriptions for. On top of everything else my blood pressure was way high today (138/101) and I am normally 118/78. I did end up with a shot in my neck (that hurt like hell!) that brought me minimal relief for about 30 min yesterday afternoon. She did say that I handled the shot very well. She said in her India accent "Most of my patients jump off the table during this so you are doing very well!" I told her that I didn't think that would be a good idea since she had a big ass needle in my neck. That made her laugh! :)

Oh the abnormalities?? Yeah turns out they are lesions that might show ms but we wont know that for sure until my follow up appt in 3 weeks or when/if I come in to discuss my xray findings. You can be sure that if they call me to come in to talk about the xrays I will have those damn MRI films IN MY HAND!

I came home with 6 prescriptions and I woke up this morning feeling MUCH MUCH better.
Are my headaches gone?
No
Are they bearable?
Yes
In fact I didn't cry one time today while the kids were in school so I feel like I have already gotten better.

The bummer part is that I get to give myself shots again to help my B12 deficiency. (SHIT! I thought I was done with that crap when I stopped fertility!)

Migrainegate

Ok so most of you probably know that I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerance for pain. 

Well almost 4 weeks ago I woke up with a migraine in the front of my head. It was a Saturday, G went in to work and I was alone with the kids. It was a pretty laid back Saturday, no soccer games yet and I had planned to take the kids to the pool. We didn't make it to the pool because I spent most of the day crying on the couch. You see I don't get migraines EVER. So I have never understood the pain that people talk about until now.

Sunday was worse because this migraine traveled to the back of my head. So now it was hurting in the front and the back all day! It got so bad I actually considered driving myself to the ER, with all 5 kids in tow. Instead G came home from work and took the kids to the pool... I went to bed!

Monday was a nightmare. I wanted so badly to go to the doctor but KL&D had their 9 year appointment that day.

Tuesday I go to my doctor thinking I am going to get some relief after nearly 4 days of misery. They suggested that I get the shot in the hip. You see this shot "instantly relieves all migraines, but it does sting a bit". A bit? Who the hell are they kidding. That shot was worse than the strep throat shot!  I ain't gonna sugar coat it for you... That fucker HURT! Then came "after you leave here, I would suggest going home and relaxing in a dark and quiet room". REALLY?? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?? Have I not been here for YEARS? Do you not know that in less than 1 hour I will be picking my 5 children up from school?? (The only dark quiet room I can kinda be alone in is the "water closet", although I like to call it the toilet room!) The doctor also suggested I call to tell them how I was feeling. I called later on in the day and said the following... "That shot you gave me? Did it help? NO!In fact, now my head and my ass hurt!!"

Apparently that was a one sided laughing phone conversation....... (Note to self, doctor offices have no sense of humor.)

Wednesday I called again and they called in a prescription (Imitrex). I took it and instantly threw up and felt like my big ass van was sitting on my head.

So you get the pattern... I call complaining, they call in prescription, I call complaining, they call in something else.... A CT was ordered and the results came back normal.
The next step was an MRI. In the meantime, I had to "wait it out" until the MRI. So basically, NO RELIEF after nearly 2 weeks. So I did the MRI and less than 2 hours later the doctors office called me.

This time the results weren't normal...

"Your MRI showed some abnormalities that require the assistance of a neurologist. We will call you in a strong pain reliever and work at getting your referral in order. Once your referral is done, we will call you with an appointment time. Oh and you should probably limit your driving."

Ok... what do you think your reaction would be??
Honestly my first reaction was relief!
No the migraines haven't affected my thinking yet... I was hoping they would find something so that they can fix it. Did I expect them to say abnormalities and neurologist in the same sentence? Hell no. Oh and the "limit your driving"... yeah we had soccer practice that night in Crowley so I didn't really follow that one either.

So now here I am 3 1/2 weeks in with the worlds worst migraine...

I got some pain medicine.
It is in the form of a nasal spray.
It makes me feel like someone just shot the inside of my nose with a blow torch.
Maybe that is why I start to feel a little less pressure... because I am crying from the pain up my nose!

The good news about the nasal pain medicine...
I can take it every 8 hours.
The bad news is...
I can only take it at night because it pretty much makes me completely useless before it knocks me on my ass for the night.

I did finally get me an appointment with a neurologist.
Yup it is NEXT WEDNESDAY.

Oh goody... another week of total misery.

ON a positive note, the person that said "limit your driving" was apparently drunk at the time because I don't have to do that.

Although it is kinda hard to drive down the road with a bag of frozen peas on your head..........