I go to the store and run into someone... "Hey what's wrong?"
I go to the school and run into someone... "Hey what's wrong?"
I go out with friends... "Snap the fuck out of it already and tell us what's wrong now?"
It's true.. Something has been wrong... I have been trying to put it into words to best describe it and I think I found it in the beginning lyrics of Pink's Blow Me One Last Kiss...
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go...
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go...
This is how I have felt since the FIRST day of school.
More about that in a minute but let me give you some background on little h, my miracle child #5 because this entry is all about him!
H was 5 and KL&D were 2 1/2 when h was born.
You see I did fertility for 12 years!
12 YEARS!!
So when KL&D were 2 I figured that I was done at 4 kids.
"Kim, you cannot have ANY children without fertility!"
How many times and how many doctors told me that same phrase?
Countless ones!
Well one day I was bitching at G about something he said or did and he said "I think you are pregnant because the last time you were this bitchy, you were."
Yeah that was the day G regretted teaching me how to punch correctly.
Well I decided that there was NO WAY I could be pregnant. I was over the fact that I wanted a bunch of kids (well not really but I had come to terms with it).
So I decided to do what any rational person would.
I bought an EPT.
It gave me the + sign.
So I bought another... and then another... and another.... until I had a bag filled with 25 sticks. The signs were all different but the results were all the same... POSITIVE.
FYI: If you buy a test from the adult video store, your positive result comes in the form of a "sad face" and if you buy it from the Dollar store then your result says "Si". So spend $40 or spend $1, because they are all the same damn thing!
I took my bag to the doctor and held it up when he asked me why I was in his office.
Since he had told me that I was not the best patient I figured I shocked him good.
A few tests and an ultrasound proved the baggie theory.
I was Pregnant with #5 and there was NO FERTILITY involved.
SHIT!
My pregnancy was the worst pregnancy ever!
I was always sick.
The ER doctors at Harris downtown KNEW ME BY NAME!!
I had cramp!
I got sick!
I needed fluids!
You name it, it happened.
Then the cable guys showed up at a time I promised my kids that we were going to the park.
I was 34 weeks pregnant!
My baby shower was in 5 days at Mimi's Cafe!
My ob was on vacation!
My patience with the cable guys was OVER!
G's patience with me calling him EVERY 30 minutes asking another question from the cable guys was OVER!
Finally around 8pm, I called G at work one more time. I told him that I was feeling like total shit and he needed to come home. Since he was so pissed at me, he literally asked why. I told him that I was going to drive myself to "Maternal Observation" downtown. I also told him that once I got there, I was going to leave the other 4 kids in the van if he wasn't there waiting on me. I hung up and drove to the hospital.
BUT I had to stop and get gas first because that is how shitty my day had been.
When I showed up at Harris, G was in the parking lot. He asked if he could stop at Subway because he was hungry. I shot him a look of pure evil and he grabbed all the kids and my hand and escorted me into the hospital.
When the lady asked me what was wrong, I threw up and they immediately started hooking me up to equipment.
You see... h needed to be a c-section.
I wasn't "allowed" to go into labor because the triplets were a "vertical cut" c-section.
Bad NEWS for somene going into labor because that is apparently what I was doing.
A short time later, miracle #5 came into the world.
He was the best baby.
He was so cute.
He was perfect until preschool.
My life felt out of control.
That is where we did a "tour of preschools". You see that sounds better than we were thrown out of multiple preschools.
Thank God for Hallmark Baptist! They welcomed him from day 1 and he did great.
My life was good again.
Then h started Kindergarten.
My life was shit again.
Then we met Dr. White in Burleson and discovered he had ADHD.
Meds made my life bearable again.
Then we found out he was super smart... genious smart...
BUT life was still bearable.
1st grade had "some issues" but life was manageable.
Then the 1st day of 2nd grade came along.
You see, I hand picked his teacher.
So I knew he was going to have an awesome year because she is awesome!
Yeah, didn't happen.
Meltdown #1 on the first day of school.
Meltdown #2 happened the first week of school also.
These weren't our normal meltdowns...
these were screaming/crying fits that were lasting up to 2 hours long.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY KID???
Another meltdown the next week followed up with a phone call "to come get him".
Another meltdown and this time followed by a trip to ISS (In School Suspension).
Another one... OSS this time because some chairs were thrown (Out of School Suspension).
Another one...
Another one...
Another one...
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY KID???
I stopped getting dressed during the day.
I stopped putting make up on during the day.
I resigned my VP PTA position.
I stopped going to lunch with my friends.
All I did was go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.
I stopped doing anything because I knew I would get "another phone call".
My life was shit I thought.
My other 4 were getting used to the idea of me "tuning everyone out".
I kept taking him to football practice and soon became "The Mother of THAT kid".
All I kept thinking is....
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY KID???
Then the school called and said that they didn't know what triggered him but he was in the nurses office with the door shut with 4 staff members and he had been screaming for almost 2 hours.
COME AND GET HIM is what they told me.
I walked into the nurses office absolutely fucking furious with him.
I had decided enough is enough, I am going to take him home and beat his spoiled ass good so all this shit can be over with already.
When I walked into the nurses office I told him he had 5 seconds to make a good decision. He could either walk out of the school on his own or be dragged.
When he looked up at me he quit crying.
His eyes were huge and looked "empty and heartbroken" all at the same time.
His bottom lip was quivering.
He walked out on his own and as I watched him I knew something was wrong.
I drove home and asked my neighbor to watch out for my other 4 because I didn't know when I would be back.
I got back in my van and drove my 7 year old son to Cook Children's Hospital for a psych evaluation.
Whatever was wrong, I knew needed to be fixed and a spanking wasn't the answer.
After a full evaluation we were sent home.
They told me that they truely felt he was safe at home, which was good because their entire floor that handled these cases was FULL!
They told me that instead of hospitalization he needed partial hospitalization.
They assured me they would call me the next day with details and what/if our insurance would cover.
No phone call.
I called on Monday and they told me he was approved, insurance would pay and he was #15 on the WAIT LIST.
Meanwhile, he had to go back to school.
ISS, early dismissals and OSS followed for the next week.
All the while I called Cooks PHP program everyday, sometimes 5 times a day and eventually (miraculously) h moved up the waitlist.
Since we are in Crowley ISD and Cooks is in Fort Worth ISD I had to withdrawal him from Dallas Park Elementary.
I cried the day I withdrew him and wondered if we would be able to come back.
A friend came over and gave me 2 tickets to the Ranger game and told me to go with h before he started his "new school". That was the first day I got dressed completely and put on make up.
The next day we started Cooks PHP program... 10 days long.... from 8-3.
For 10 days I never received a phone call.
For 10 days my son seemed to respond.
For 10 days my life felt like it was no longer on hold.
For 10 days I felt like I was doing what I was suppose to be doing for my son.
For 10 days I attended each parent education class they had.
For 10 days I listened to the other stories during family counseling.
For 10 days I cried for the sadness I found in the other parent's eyes.
For 10 days I realized that our problems could be so much worse.
For 10 days I wondered what it would be like when we went back to school.
During the 10 days,
I kept his teacher updated.
I kept the counselor updated.
I kept the Principal updated.
At the end of the 10 days I felt an emptiness that I can't put into words.
I felt lost and worried but not for me, I felt it for the 7 year old now diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, ADHD and possibly some other factors.
I made an appointment with the staff that was directly involved with h to come up with a game plan.
I told them that he was doing 5th grade math, unassisted, during his stay at Cooks.
I told them that he said he "felt panicky" sometimes and was working on social skills, as well as, coping skills.
I began to feel ok... well better.
Now we have been back to school for about 3 weeks and I am just now feeling comfortable with leaving the house during the day.
I know my problems are NOT solved yet but I know that we are working on it.
He is maintaining his meds and is seeing a psychiatrist once a week.
I am even having an AU evaluation done on him this month as well.
He still has bad days but they are manageable.
So for all of you out there who have been wondering "whats wrong" now you know.
The light isn't in my eye anymore and won't be until I really figure out what is wrong with my son.
I am trying to bring the "old Kim" back but I feel like I am failing.
Now you can read the signifigance of those words........
One day...
I will be back.
Until then...
Be patient with my son.
The next day we started Cooks PHP program... 10 days long.... from 8-3.
For 10 days I never received a phone call.
For 10 days my son seemed to respond.
For 10 days my life felt like it was no longer on hold.
For 10 days I felt like I was doing what I was suppose to be doing for my son.
For 10 days I attended each parent education class they had.
For 10 days I listened to the other stories during family counseling.
For 10 days I cried for the sadness I found in the other parent's eyes.
For 10 days I realized that our problems could be so much worse.
For 10 days I wondered what it would be like when we went back to school.
During the 10 days,
I kept his teacher updated.
I kept the counselor updated.
I kept the Principal updated.
At the end of the 10 days I felt an emptiness that I can't put into words.
I felt lost and worried but not for me, I felt it for the 7 year old now diagnosed with anxiety, OCD, ADHD and possibly some other factors.
I made an appointment with the staff that was directly involved with h to come up with a game plan.
I told them that he was doing 5th grade math, unassisted, during his stay at Cooks.
I told them that he said he "felt panicky" sometimes and was working on social skills, as well as, coping skills.
I began to feel ok... well better.
Now we have been back to school for about 3 weeks and I am just now feeling comfortable with leaving the house during the day.
I know my problems are NOT solved yet but I know that we are working on it.
He is maintaining his meds and is seeing a psychiatrist once a week.
I am even having an AU evaluation done on him this month as well.
He still has bad days but they are manageable.
So for all of you out there who have been wondering "whats wrong" now you know.
The light isn't in my eye anymore and won't be until I really figure out what is wrong with my son.
I am trying to bring the "old Kim" back but I feel like I am failing.
White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go...
Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there's nothing to grab so I let go...
Now you can read the signifigance of those words........
One day...
I will be back.
Until then...
Be patient with my son.
