Hello Sweet 16!

Ok, so I know I haven't been on here in a while.
If  you have to ask why then you have been living under a rock and don't realize that I have 5 children!

I have been running around like a maniac in preparation for these 5 kids to be home all summer.
I had a long list of things to do on the last day of school and then one of my kids decided to throw up everywhere all day. So instead of getting a very needed pedicure, I got to clean barf all day! FUN FUN!!

Oh, back to me...

Yesterday I did my grocery store thing. That is where I hit up all the major grocery stores in my area to buy all the loss leaders with coupons. My first store was Costco because it was the last day to use my ziploc coupons. (Hey freezer bags can get very expensive!)
While I was at Costco, I found some cute white shorts.
Now for me that sentence would have never made sense a year ago.
Cute and white shorts should NEVER be in the same sentence.
However, these were super cute.
I dug and dug and the biggest size I could find was a 16.
I contimplated them over and over and thought... what the hell... they don't cost that much and the size 18 pants I have on are loose!!
 (THE SIZE 18 PANTS I HAVE ON ARE LOOSE!! WOW!!)
So I bought them.
When I finally came home I decided to put them on.
Yeah, bad idea.
H told me they "almost fit".
So I laid on the bed....

AFTER NEARLY BREAKING MY WRIST.... I not only buttoned them.... I FUCKING ZIPPED THEM TOO!!!

Could I breathe when I stood up?

Barely!

Did they look like total shit when I stood up?

Definetly!

Did I feel "violated" by those shorts?

You bet I did!

Did I have a pair of size 16 white Levis shorts on?

YES I FUCKING DID!!!

Oprah!

So today is a bad day for me.
I am not sure what is going on but today I have felt... dare I even say it??? HUNGRY!

What the hell?
Why all of a sudden do I feel hungry?
I don't get it.
This isn't really suppose to happen.
Why today do I feel hungry?
Is it because I made homemade caramel popcorn for the kids and now I want some?
I remember the last time I made homemade caramel popcorn...
G and I were living together in our "project" apartment. (Literally was in the projects!! G is cheap!!)

I was so proud of myself for concocting this yummy topping to go on top of buttery microwave popcorn. I remember being just under 200 pounds. After the popcorn I started weighing over 200 pounds.

So now in my kitchen I have the popcorn that helped me get over a hump that I am still not over.

Today I am hungry for sweets but I keep stuffing my mouth full of my crack instead.
I don't know why today is hard for me but it sure is.
I know I can do this.
I know I can get over this 200 pound hump.
I am ready to be under that number.
When will it happen???

Bob Greene was on Oprah and he said that you will be successful in weightloss if you can answer the following questions.
So here we go:

1. Why are you overweight? Because I love sweets more than anything and I hate to exercise. So sweets + no exercise = Fat ASS!
2. Why do you want to lose weight?
   Because I want to like myself. I am a sassy girl and I would love to show my sassy side and be comfortable with myself.
3. Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss?
   This one is tough for me.
   I think I have been unable to maintain weight loss because I get depressed easy. When I get depressed I eat sweets. I am hoping that I will stop my depression cycles because I really want to live life like I am suppose to.

When I started this weight loss process I started a weight loss revolution within my circle of friends.
Nobody wanted to be the "fat friend".
So for those people that started loosing weight when I did....

Can you answer his questions??
Are you ready to get real??

More importantly... are you ready to eat this damn popcorn for me???

A new poem to sum up my life

A new day and a new dollar

my family makes me want to holler.

My spouse is acting like a jerk.

I wish he would go out of town for work.

My eleven year old has her hormones out of whack.

I wish she would start already and get back on track.

My triplets are an interesting bunch.

K is an adult favorite and is sweet as can be.

But he makes me nuts when he acts so crazy.

L is funny, smart and witty.

But her meaness is usually directed to her sissy.

D is the peacemaker most of the time.

But he can bullshit with the best at the drop of a dime.

I know they will go far in life, and that's not just a hunch.

My youngest is the one that makes my hair go grey.

His nutty behavior changes day by day.

My dog is co-dependent, sad but true.

When he is really excited he can howl "I love you!".

This is my life, sometimes crazy sometimes fun.

I wish I could have an endless supply of rum!

Hallelulah!! Hallelulah!! CRACK is in my posession once again!!

For those loyal (but few) followers, I thought I would share with you some very exciting news....

I will NEVER run out of crack again!!!

Yes, you read it right. I have been kinda sabotaging my weightloss with self loathing and depression lately as I deal with everything around me....

An 11 year old hormonal monster that has taken over my sweet girl.
8 year old triplets that are so opinionated I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A 6 year old Kindergartner who has actually been suspended this year but continues to draw "I LOVE MOM" notes for me.
A dog that is following me around like I have limited time left on this Earth.
A spouse that is on my everlastfuckingnerve it is amazing I haven't stabbed him in his sleep! (NOTE TO SELF... UNLIMITED TEXTING PLAN WAS A BAD IDEA!!!)

Back to my story....
I have been pounding the pavement looking for my crack.
Sometimes CVS will carry it. The one down the street had it for a while then it disappeared from the shelves. The CVS with the rocket launcher driveway has been known to carry it but they didn't have it the last time I was there.

So there I was... sitting and looking on my laptop... on amazon... when I decided to type it into the search box...
I FOUND IT!!
NOT ONLY DID I FIND IT BUT THEY SELL IT IN AN 8 PACK!!
AND
IF YOU'RE DESPERATE ENOUGH...

IT IS AVAILABLE ON THEIR "CONVENIENT AUTOMATIC RE-ORDER PLAN"!!!!

If you have never seen me this happy then get used to it... I will never run out again!!!

In case you're wondering what my crack looks like.....



Oh Happy Day!!

Feeling Guilty

Ok, I have not been on here in over a month.

Why? Is that what you are asking?

Let's see....
I have been super busy with my elementary school. No, I don't own or even work at one. You see my Kindergartener is giving his teacher problems. Am I surprised? No not really. I mean this is the kid who got kicked out of 2 preschools!
I guess I just expected more.....

I never knew I would get so many phone calls from the school telling me about my son's latest behavior.

This is so hard for me because as a parent you always want whats best for your children. Yet, as a parent you get so totally embarresed when you hear about what stunt your kid has pulled.

Did you know that he got suspended for a day???
YUP! I am the mom of that kid at school.

How is this possible??

I always knew he was quirky and loud but suspension???

Oh, in related news this Kindergartener also made the GATE (gifted and talented education) program at school.
4 Kindergarteners made it and he is one of them.
In fact when the Principal suggested that I look at his scores I figured... "Ok, so he barely made it in GATE!"
You know what???
He actually scored in the top 2% of the school!!! (His school is K-4.)

So instead of weighing myself regularly, I find myself wishing I could be somewhere else when it is time to pick him up from school.

Why do I feel this way?
Is it normal?

Didn't I want all these kids?

Didn't we spend a fortune on fertility?

Did God give me this one to keep me humble?
He is the miracle "you can't have babies without fertility" baby.

I know he will do something really important in life but for now I have to keep myself moving forward somehow.

In desperation moments like this I find myself trying to sabotage my success again.
Why am I doing this?
Is this my way of coping with my new norm?

I think it might be time to see a shrink or the liquor section.........

Ah ha Moment

Today I had an....

AH HA MOMENT.

I decided to stop feeling guilty for buying these..
               

Why should I feel guilty?

Don't I deserve some nice jewelry once in a while?

Were they overpriced?
 Of course.

Do I absolutely love them?
 Of course.

Wasn't my friend the best who actually bought them for me since I wasn't there?
Of course.

Why then do I feel so guilty??

I am over the guilt and decided to wear them today.
As I was grabbing them I noticed my tennis bracelet that G had bought me years and years ago.

I decided today was the day that I was going to try it on again.
The last time I put it on, it cut the circulation off to my wrist.

Today I put it on my right wrist (the obvious bigger one).
Not only did I put it on... I FASTENED it too!!

You know what else???

It even moves around on my wrist..... just a tiny bit but there is definetly some movement there!!

So today I am wearing my tennis bracelet that cost way more than those beautiful earrings and they mean more to me as well.

What earrings do I have on???

$3 ones from Puerto Rico.

                        

PS... The blue box earrings DO NOT exist if you happen to know my spouse!!

Now Helping Freak #7

Have you ever thought of yourself as a science experiment?

I do!

First it was the fertility I had to do.
The questions (and my witty answers) were...

• What's wrong with you?
• Nothing really I just need some assistance.
• Are you sure you want to be a mom? Have you seen my kids in public?
• Yes and have you ever heard of a Pampered Chef wooden spoon?
• Did you have to do that fertilization invitro thingy?
• No we didn't have to do IVF.. we did the turkey baster method.
• Were you afraid you would have 8?
• I was more afraid of not having any.
• How come you only got 1?
• Luck of the draw.
• Seriously what's wrong with you, I lay down and get pregnant.
• Perhaps you should start sitting up to sleep.  

Then we were pregnant with triplets...

• Are they identical?
• No 1 is a girl.
• The girl and one boy look alike, are you sure they are not identical?
• Yes only one of them has a penis.
• Did you want triplets?
• I just wanted a family.
• How did you carry triplets?
• In my uterus like all babies.
• Were you afraid?
• Of course I was. The triplets started out as quads but we lost one at 14 weeks.
• Is your husband some kind of "super stud" to get you triplets?
• He likes to think so.
• I had my first two 15 months apart so that is like having twins. Are triplets harder than twins?
• I have never had twins and having 2 kids 15 months apart is definetly NOT the same.
• I imagine you are done having children now, 4 is enough.
• Thank you for making that decision for me.

Then I became pregnant ON MY OWN WITH NO FERTILITY and 4 kids at home....

• Wow! Are you ever going to stop having kids?
• Not really sure.
• You should have stopped at 2. You will never be able to give your children the attention they need.
• That would have been hard to do since the middle ones are triplets.
• You have too many kids.
• Sorry you feel that way.
• Glad it's you and not me.
• Me too!
• Which of your children do you like the best?
• The one that is not complaining.
• How do you do it?
• Drink a lot of wine.
• Are you some kind of saint?
• ROFLMAO

FAST FORWARD 5 YEARS

Weight loss surgery......

• WOW! Are you on some kind of diet?
• Kinda.....
• I bet you aren't going to be embarressed to take the kids to the pool this year!
• I didn't realize I was embarressed before.
• Do you have a lot of skin hanging down?
• Yes, would you like to see it.
• My friend's cousin who is married to my Uncle's daughter had a friend that had that done and I can't recognize her at all anymore. Does that happen to you yet?
• No not really. Pretty much everyone I talk to already sees me on a regular basis.
• Are you hungry all the time?
• No
• Are you sick all the time because I know my friends sisters brothers cousins aunt is sick all the time.
• No
• How much weight have you lost? You look completely different in your face... you look really good.
• About 125 pounds. Wow, I guess I didn't realize I was so hideous before....

I could literally go on with this list all day!

The point is, yes I do feel like a science experiment.

HOWEVER.......
I do love it when people compliment me because it honestly makes me feel validated somehow.