October 31, 2010

HaPpY hAlLoWeEn!!!

Would you believe I made another trip to HEB with my friend SV?
I think our families made us want to "escape" for a little while.

Well while I was there I saw some shrimp spring rolls. 

I LOVE SPRING ROLLS.

So tonight for dinner I made a crock-pot lasagna. I knew that I would not be able to eat it because me and pasta are NOT getting along.

So for my dinner I ate one of my spring rolls.

Actually I ate one when I came home from the store for my lunch.
Then the one at dinner.

Then I was feeling a little hungry while everyone was having more lasagna and some candy, so I ate my last one.

For the first time in DAYS I didn't feel the urge to purge.
I felt good.
I ate them slowly and took mouse bites.

OMG!!! They were soooo good I might have to go back to HEB to get some more.

Does anyone out there know how to make spring rolls??

On a side note:
I am sorry for being discouraged in my last post. Some days are just so damn hard it is unbearable. I know that I can do this and if I feel like I can't then I know I can call on my friends to pull me up from my slump.
I would love to thank all my friends for their encouragement and support. It is very hard to express how I feel about my wonderful friends...

I can say this, it make me very emotional when I think of all of you. You are the reason I keep going and trying so damn hard. It is because of you that I am able to drag my fat ass off the couch and into the Y. I will be there again in the morning!

Thank you for all you do!

October 30, 2010

Ok, I am depressed again.
I am stuck at 267 and not moving!
I exercised 3 days last week and watch what I eat ALL THE TIME.
I kept hearing that my jeans were too baggy so I grabbed an 18 at Costco.
Now, these DO NOT FIT AT ALL!!
I figured since my last pair were 20s then these would fit and they don't.
Maybe it is because they are a different brand... not sure.
All I know is that I wanted to loose 100 pounds BEFORE Christmas and it really doesn't look like that is going to happen.

I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.

I am trying to avoid going out to eat but yet I have plans to go Wed for my friends birthday.
What the hell am I going to order???

I really need some guidance.

Maybe I should give up water aerobics and go to the spinning class across the hall. Those people SWEAT it out!!

HELP!!! I feel like I am failing............

October 28, 2010

Ok so I have decided to go to water aerobics this week. I have been taking off my ankle support and getting in the pool with the "mature crowd". This is how my week of exercise has gone...

• MONDAY ~ Didn't go to water aerobics because I ate a Baby Ruth like an idiot. Yeah, welcome back dumping syndrome. I can now say that I am officially OVER candy bars!! They are just not worth it!
• TUESDAY ~ Get to class right at 8:30 (when it starts) and the instructor looks really nice. In fact she looks familiar but I can't place where I know her. (Still can't figure it out!) All through the hour, she asks me if I can feel it in my arms, legs, etc... Like somehow I am now the spokesperson for the pool. I say yes and she makes us do more stuff but it is somewhat enjoyable. When the class is over, I go to sit in the hot tub because I love those things. A LARGE older lady joins me. She tells me that she likes my swimsuit and wishes that she was my size. I was floored because I see myself as I see her. She then proceeds to tell me that she is not sure if she is still married because her husband left her 2 years ago to be with someone new. NOTE TO SELF: When stranger tells you something like this it might be best to not say anything... INSTEAD I say... "Yeah, I would guess that you are probably "legally" married since there hasn't been any papers served, but I probably wouldn't hold onto the hope that he would come back." She seemed upset by my answer and I told her I was sorry if I had offended her. I also told her that I thought she told me that because she wanted my opinion. She told me that everyone else had said He would come back why did I think differently. I simply said that she stated it had been 2 years. At the end of my 15 minute hot tub therapy session she hugged me, thanked me and said she hoped I was back tomorrow. (Holy Shit I am good. I should have charged her a fee! haha)
• WEDNESDAY ~ This probably should have been the day that I skipped. Why You Ask?? Well for those that REALLY know me, know that I went to the Y a few years back. A personal trainer, we'll call her Mizz Youreafatcowandihatecowssomoveyourass, made me get on an Eliptical machine. I asked Mizz ....... if anyone had ever died on the eliptical to which she abrubtly replied "NO! You are just LAZY and not used to the machine! WHy do you ask?" My reply? 'You are about to have your first casualty!'  Shortly after that I stopped going to the Y. So imagine my surprise when I find out that today's instructor is Mizz Youreafatcowandihatecowssomoveyourass!! I wish I would have seen her before I got into the pool. I probably would have skipped! I will say that she gave a good workout. She had a microphone on and had music playing so I would imagine if I was part of the "mature crowd" I would have had a hard time hearing her. She would spout things out like this: This is not arthritis splash so move your hiney! You need to move the water, I can't do it for you. If you want to loose it then you better move it. Move! Move! Move! You need to work on your balance! Yeah you can say that she was the "motivational speaker" for the day. I was honestly afraid to eat anything for the rest of the day.
• THURSDAY ~ Ok, I thought Mean Lady was tough, today's lady was BRUTAL!! She wasn't brutal in the way she spoke, she was brutal in the way she made us work. Today was the fatest work out I have ever done. I know I was in there for an hour like all the other days but today it felt like 20-30 minutes because we were working it. I was so tired after that class I drove home and changed my clothes at home, instead of there. I have wanted to take a nap all day. My arms are hurting and so are my calves.

I think after all this exercise the scale should be down drastically. What more people do I have to do to loose the weight. I hardly eat, I work out nearly everyday, I am a nice person.......  I am out of ideas........

October 24, 2010

Ok so this morning I decided to venture onto the scale that is demonic.

Well the scale gods were smiling upon me because it said 268!

HOLY SHIT!!!!

I thought I would be in the 70s forever. I am starting to say my weight like that now. At first I just wanted to clear the 3's. Then it was the 90s, 80s, and now the 70s. My next goal is to clear the 60s, 50s, etc.. until one day MAYBE it can be in the 1's???

WOW!!! Can you believe that?? One day I might actually be able to type that my weight is 1_ _?? I can honestly say that if that day comes I am going to ask Dr. B if I can hug him! (Note to self.. if this day comes wear body spray from pure romance catalog that has pheremones in it! haha If I type that weight SS, order me some and put a rush on it!)

I do have a confession to make.
Last week when I was working the book fair I kept trying to "order out" my lunch. Let's just say that my ordering did NOT agree with me. One day I came home tired and actually a little hungry. Instead of grabbing an apple or bottled water I grabbed......
A BABY RUTH!!
And if that isn't bad enough....
A little bag of Lay's barbeque chips NOT BAKED ONES EITHER!!!

Oh I knew it was a mistake but I was sitting there thinking "OMG! This candy bar and chips are so much better than sex! Look at what I have been missing!!"
Then... it hit... the thing referred to as.... Dumping.
I have never felt dumping before and I knew it was a possibility it could happen and I still was stupid enough to eat them anyways.

Well I won't disturb you with the details but I will say this... Dumping is my friend.
It is like I have Jillian Michaels standing over saying... "Really? You really want to eat this shit?? HAHA Eat up idiot because I am about to show you!!"

Oh, goodness... not a pleasant evening...

I can tell you now that I have realized everyday will be another day that I have to struggle to make good decisions on what I choose to eat.

This is my struggle... welcome to the front row...........

October 21, 2010

So tonight I am driving to my weight loss support group wondering if I should be going. Well I guess I was so deep in thought or tired because I ended up parking by my dr's office instead of the hospital entrance. As I was walking in the building I thought... "You are such a dumbass!".
Then I finally make my way to the 2nd floor and tonight there is a "protein taste test" night. Well would you believe I found 2 that I actually liked?? One had 35grams of protein and my favorite had 10. I think I will be making a trip to the Vitamin Shoppe soon to buy the one that had 10. Yeah, I will have to drink 6 a day but that is totally do-able.. well maybe. At least I found one that doesn't make me want to throw up as soon as I open it. I am making progress.
While sitting in the class I realized that the lady I was sitting next to was 5'2" and weighed 137. What I didn't know is that this woman weighed 345 pounds last year!
As she was talking she started crying because she still sees herself as the 345 pound woman. When she was finished talking I told her that she was an inspiration to me and I gave her a hug.
WOW! From 345 pounds to 137 pounds!!!!!!
I will be thinking about this lady everytime I get frustrated with no results. I know that the weight wasn't put on overnight and it won't come off overnight but I still get frustrated.

As I was walking to the other buiding I saw none other than Dr. B. He had just finished a seminar. He asked me how I was feeling. I told him good and he said that I looked good.
Then he asked why I was walking out that door and I told him that I was tired and ended up parking by his office instead of the hospital. I looked at him straight in the eyes (yum!) and said "Have a nice night!". Do you know what his reply was????? "Oh, well I will walk out with you if you don't mind!"

MIND??? ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??? How can I mind this at all??? (I was thinking.. No I don't mind. In fact I wouldn't mind if we just kind of went out on a date right now either!)

I think I finally was able to get out... "Uh, no... why would I mind?"
We had a nice friendly chat on the way to his nice ass car.

I know I joke about wanting to date him but he really is "Hot" in his own way......
I think I find him attractive because he is so damn nice!

All in all... it turned out to be a smart move on my part to park over there. ;)

October 19, 2010

Ok so my friend told me that my "new" jeans are baggy in the butt!

I don't know how many people would react the way I did. I think I hugged my friend and there was almost a kiss too! :)

I love my friends.
My friends are the ones that keep me going.
Sure, my spouse likes the results... (Honey.. is the door locked?? is a phrase I hear ALL THE TIME NOW!!)

However, it is my friends that keep me going for sure.
There is not a day that goes by when one of my friends says something encouraging to me. I know there is a difference in my size simply because of my "magic jeans" but I don't see it. So on those days when I am discouraged and having a "woah is me day" it is my friends that pull me up.

I haven't seen a dramatic change in weight but I really think it is there. Today a friend of mine told me that she thinks my scale is broke.
It is friends like these that keep me going.

So in honor of the Oprah show I just watched with Debbie Boone I would like to say to my friends.....

YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE!!!

Thank you for being my friend.
I value our friendship.
I can honestly say I love you.
I feel very blessed to have you as my friend.

October 13, 2010

Weight.. 276!
Sanity.. Barely there!
Self esteem.. Getting better!
Fantasies about Dr.. Getting more graphic... (Oh la la)

So today I was volunteering at the school and I had someone tell me that I was "The incredible shrinking woman". So now you know the real reason I volunteer so much over there! haha

Seriously though I have had several people tell me that lately. I have to admit that I LOVE it but I am also a little wierded out by it. You see I still see myself as the fat self. I mean I know that I am smaller because my sizes are DRAMATICALLY different. However, I don't see the difference. I wish I did but I don't. I look in the mirror and I still see a fat slob. Strange? I don't know if it is strange because a few times when I was REALLY FAT I thought I looked "hot". A few pictures later showed a different story. I am wondering if maybe I have body mesmorphic disorder.
OR
Maybe I have been fat for so long that it is just going to take me a while to adjust.

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE I am not sure if I will be able to have lunch with my kindergartner anymore. Today I was sitting there with him at the parent/child lunch table. You see I used to be able to sit in the uncomfortable kid chair to eat lunch. However, some idiot parent brought food up to their child and "shared" it with some other children and one of those children had some sort of allergy. So... because there are idiot parents out there, when I have lunch with my children we have to sit at a designated table on the stage.
SO
Here I was minding my own business eating lunch with my son when my mouth dropped open. A woman (psycho) was SPOON FEEDING her Kindergartener. Immediately I was wierded out.
THen the kid (who obviously didn't want to be there with his mom) starting spitting at and kicking the girl next to him. Both moms just sat there like it was normal behavior.
(I guess it is a good thing that I wasn't at that end of the table!)
Then the kid being fed closed his mouth in refusal of the mac & cheese. I thought by the reaction of the mom that she was going to fling him across the cafeteria. She was screaming and yelling at him, in between spoon feeding her 2 year old.

At what point do you say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH??

Another mom at the table noticed how discusted I was and told me that the mom in question is there EVERYDAY!!

Now when will I be able to go back and have lunch with my son???
I honestly don't know if I will be able to now.
I strangely feel like a bad mom because I am at the school a lot but I don't always eat lunch with my children while I'm there.

Oh good grief.........

October 5, 2010

Ok, I know this probably sounds like an oxymoron but if you are one of my skinny friends... STOP READING because you will have no idea what I am talking about later on in my story.
(I say oxymoron because most fat people don't have skinny friends. I actually have LOTS of skinny friends.. SHOCKING I KNOW but true!)

Ok so today I went to the mall after getting x rays done to see if I broke my ankle. Yes, I know I shouldn't be walking around the mall with a possible broken ankle but the splint (glorified sewn up ace bandage) they put on my foot actually makes my foot feel much better.
Besides, have you ever looked in the mirror and said "Shit! This bra makes my boobs look terrible!" Well today was one of those days. Actually I looked pretty bad today but decided to head to the mall anyways.

You see I have maintained the same weight for weeks now (really starting to piss me off) but I feel like I might be loosing inches because that is what my friend said. haha
So the pants that I am able to wear are looking BAD. They aren't falling off because of my "triplet hangover" aka butt in the front but they are LOOSE. So I decided that with this nice Fall weather that has me sneezing every 5 minutes, that I should get a pair of jeans.
This time last year my jeans were a size 30/32 (NO that does not mean 30 waist and 32 inseam for my skinny friends!)I mean the size was a 30/32 which is just over 26/28, 22/24, 20, 18, 16, 14, 12, etc..
So I walk into Macy and grab a 24. Immediately I think.. "This is not going to fit. They never fit. I am just setting myself up for dissapointment. I probably need a 26 which is not sold here."
Well I go into the dressing room and the jeans just don't feel right so I go and grab a 22. Again... not quite right so I grab a 20. Now imagine you are me for a second...
The last pair of jeans you wore were a 30/32 and you now have a pair of size 20 in your hands.
What would you think??? Me?? I thought about each step one by one.

Step 1.. get one leg in. CHECK
Step 2.. get the other leg in. CHECK
Step 3.. the "Pull up" to the waist. CHECK
Step 4.. the tricky part.. tucking in the butt in the front. CHECK
Step 5.. button the jeans while standing. CHECK
Step 6.. zip jeans, while standing. CHECK
Step 7.. breathe.... and stand in shock....... CHECK CHECK CHECK

A size 20P (petite for short)jeans fit, buttoned and zipped up and I could still breathe!

Do they look perfect? NO because I still have my butt in the front and it is very apparent in these jeans.

Do I care? No, not really because they freakin fit! Sometimes you just have to say WTF!

So after my size 20 jean and a few 1x tops purchase I walked over to the bra area.

The lady gave me a "once over" and asked half heartedly if she could help me. I said I was there to purchase a new bra and guess what she said??

Did she say.. What is your size dear? NO
Did she say.. What is your preferred brand? NO

Instead she said.. "We don't have your size but you can try Dillards!"

So I looked at her with my own "once over" and said "We'll see about that!"

So I walk over to the Wacoal section and pick out a size that should work out.

Saleslady walks over to me as I make my way to the fitting room and says... "Um, m'am those bras are $58."
My reply??
"Oh, then I guess they lowered their prices!"

As I walk into the fitting room I notice a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while. (Shout out KF)

I go into my own room after a nice chat and prepare for battle.

I fully expected the straps to fling off my arms and the fasteners in the back to start shooting around the room like bullets.
Instead, I hooked the bra with little to no problem. I got the boobs in the right place. And I did it all with no complications or flying shrapnel.

As I walked confidently to the cashier the lady said "Oh? That fit?"
I replied back "Why yes it did and nobody was hurt in the process!"

All in all I think this was a successful day even if the damn scale isn't cooperating.

October 2, 2010

Ok so I haven't wrote here in a while.
The last time I was 281 and this morning I was 278!!

Yes I know the weight is not flying off like I wanted it too but at least it is coming off.
For those wondering about my poo, it is slow going at best. One day I did go without the aide of a laxative or enima but other than that I know that there is a lot left.

Ok... off of that subject. I still feel tired and I think it is because my children drive me crazy when they get home. I mean if whining were an olympic sport I have 5 gold medalists sitting here right now! I know I shouldn't complain but SHIT!

Now I have to say something that has been bothering me for a while so excuse the following run-on soap boxes...

The other day I was in a new store and I saw a friend of my brother's. He was there with his new wife and her 2 girls. The last time I saw him he was the best man at my brother's wedding a year ago and he was there with his wife, who I really liked. As I walked past.. I thought could this really be M? I have known this kid for most his life so I figured it was ok to say "Hey man what's up?"
I wanted to say "Hey man what the fuck is your problem to leave such a wonderful woman and end up with this lady that is looking me up and down like I am going to steal you?"
Instead I just said Hi. We exchanged pleasantries and "fake" smiles from the new wife.

As I walked away I was left wondering... what the hell goes through a man's head to make him leave his wife for someone else? I just don't get it. Then I realized that I jokingly say things like "Dr. B didn't ask me out on a date but we had a bonding moment!" and those things can be mistakenly taken the wrong way.

So for the record let me state the following... I AM JOKING! Would Dr. B ever ask me out on a date? HIGHLY UNLIKELY! Would I go if he did? Probably. Hey I never said I wasn't honest right?
I mean the chances of him asking me out are about as good as Bree from Desperate Housewives coming to my house to help me clean it. It is a fabrication of my demented imagination. Therefore, it is easy to say I would accept.

For those wondering about my mental state and the state of my well being in general let me assure you I am fine. I am married to a man who loves me. His ability to provide for us allows me the opportunity to stay home. I have 5 healthy children that seem to really love me.
Yes I know how lucky I am. However, I am at a point in my life when I also realize how lucky he is. I am a good wife, not perfect. I am a good mom, not perfect. I love my children and would do anything in the world for them. I am a good friend, not perfect. I stay loyal and would do anything my friends asked me to do. I am a good sister, not perfect. I complain that my sister doesn't call me enough but yet phones go both ways. I adore my brother and his wife but I don't call them either. I am a good daughter, not perfect.

At the end of the day I consider myself a good person who dislikes all forms of bigotry and supports a person's right to carry.