Quick! Remove all guns from my possession before I kill someone!

Lord help my thought right now.
All I want to do is commit murder.
When I finish this post, I pretty much guarantee I will get some accomplices.

For the past 3 weeks I have wondered what the hell is wrong with h.
He was doing good otherwise I would have NEVER gone to Tennessee.
While I was gone we all know that h didn't take his medicine regularly.
When I came back I figured all bad behaviors would stop.

IT DIDN'T!

I could NOT figure out what the hell was going on.

I demanded a medicine change at the psychiatrist's office because that is the only thing I could think of.

I was starting to think that my red dye theory was wrong.

I was starting to think I was going to be in bed again.

I was starting to think h was going to have to go back to Cooks or Sundance or anywhere.

I was heartbroken.

Then he started taking his new meds and had a bad reaction.

I took him to the pediatrician after visiting with the school nurse.

Virus? Med issues?

A little of both.

So he was out Thursday and Friday.

Saturday morning he comes to stand by me as I'm making waffles.

He has a big glass of juice in his hand.

I said: "Hey gimme a drink of that."
He said: "You always say you don't like this juice & dad shouldn't buy it."
Me: "Yes but mommy has a bit of a headache and I'm thirsty."
h: "I'll just get you your own glass."

Well he had to go to the laundry room fridge (used to be beer fridge, now its a milk fridge) to get another box.

As he's pouring it I asked him how much juice do you drink?

Everymorning

Afterschool

Sometimes at night

All of a sudden a light bulb went off in my head.

The label....

Do you see it????

If there is anything that is good from this fuck up then it would be that h's medicine did change.

You see the school nurse told me that one of the meds he was on would cause weight gain.

So I guess the psychiatrist and one other person are on my shitlist.

Now.... where is that gun???

Well SHIT!

I have been sitting here for a few weeks trying to decide if I should talk about what happened while I was in Tennessee.

I really don't want to come off as ungreatful but there is a limit to stupidity that I can't handle.

You see I had everything planned out.
I stayed up all night cooking upcoming lunches and dinners.

The first DAY it all went to shit.

L was in charge of lunches. H was in charge of dinner. L was given the assignment of making sure h took his meds everyday. H was given the assignment of making sure K took his meds everyday.
Why didn't I assign their dad?
Well because he is an Engineer and common sense is NOT his forte.
Besides, he was pretty pissed that I left.

For the lunches I DREW pictures of the lunchbox and put those pictures on the fridge.
I cleaned my fridge and dedicated the TOP shelf to lunch only items.
Each container was labeled.
Then I wrote in what food item went in each square.
Then I drew 4 more.
They were labeled MONDAY, TUESDAY, etc...

For the dinners I made a list and put in on the fridge.
I packaged them up in gallon size baggies and wrote the "finishing" directions on the bag.
These baggies were on the bottom shelf.

DAY ONE
L took the dinner list and tried to make lunches with those items.
H had a panic attack.

I said chocolate chips could be put in the little dessert square.
Butterscotch chips were taken off the TOP shelf of the pantry and placed in the square instead.

In case you were wondering....
Butterscotch chips have red food dye in them.

Yup.....
That's what I thought too.

K took his medicine everyday thanks to H's insistence.
h took his medicine TWICE.

Let that sink in for a minute...

TWO doses of meds during the ENTIRE 9 days I was gone.
Red food dye in his lunch everyday.

Wanna guess what happened???

BIC room the ENTIRE week last week.

h finally earned his way out and went back to class on Monday.

YESTERDAY there was an incident and I found him screaming in the hall with about 3 teachers trying to calm him down.
(Good thing I was at the school.)

I got him up and we went into the "padded room" in BIC.

35 minutes later I left the school and he seemed to be ok.

I picked him up early so we could see his psychiatrist.

Why do I bother going early???

The good news is that we only had to wait ONE hour this time. (insert eye roll)

When we finally got in the office I threw h's med bottles on the desk.
Dr. S looked at me like I was crazy.
I said "I'm not leaving 'till these are changed because I can't have another year like last year. Besides, I'm not ready to go to Betty Ford yet!"

We left with 3 new scripts.

After driving to 4 different Walgreens I had them filled and paid for.

We started them last night.

At 3 am h woke up saying he felt dizzy and nauseous.

At 5:30 I woke up to start on lunches.

At 6:30 I woke up h, with no problems.
He still complained of dizziness.
I gave him a bagel for breakfast and some oj.

We walked to school and he DID NOT want his jacket.
54 degrees this morning.

By the time we got to school his face was red and he was sweating.

He went into his BIC class and sat at the desk with the fan.

I went to the nurses office to tell them of the med change.

I visited with the nurse a while asking about h's symptoms.

One hour after I dropped him off, h and I were on our way home because he threw up.

We got home and I called his pediatrician.

I am used to med changes. I am used to the way they affect h. I am not used to seeing him like this.

We have an appointment at 1.

Please continue to pray for my sweet boy.
I know he is in there somewhere........

WTH?

Did h have a good day?

Nope!

Was I told about it?

Nope!

I don't know what's worse...

• Receiving a dozen "comegethim" calls a week.
• Not hearing anything.

You see, he had a bad day AGAIN!

This time I can't blame the food dye.

Apparently some kids told him his mother was fat.

So he sat in the office because he chose that over the BIC room.

Did he tell anyone what the kids said?

Nope!

Why?

"Why should I? They won't believe me anyway!"

WTH am I suppose to say to that?
WTH am I suppose to do with that?
WTH am I suppose to do?

On another note, I was told that he was OFFERED some gummy bears for "good behavior" from one of his teachers!

WTH!!!

GUMMY BEARS!!!

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

ALL OF HIS TEACHERS HAVE BEEN TOLD ABOUT ME BANNING RED FOOD DYE!!


I am at a loss here people...

I feel like an alcoholic reaching out for help.

h is my vodka.

On my knees....

Today I am on my knees begging for some good days.

 

h had a backwards slide yesterday.

Even though I feel sometimes like I am looking for "something/anything" to blame besides my son... I really think the culprit is Red 40.

You see, after about an hour after we got home h admitted he ate 2 bowls of froot loops at around 2:30 in the morning.

WTF!!!

 

Now, you might say its a coincidence but I no longer do.

I put that fucking box of cereal in the trash!

I didn't even know I had it...

 

So today I dedicate the song Perfect by Pink to h.

I never realized how the words seem to fit my life.

To me h is perfect.

To h, he feels like he is nothing.

 

Oh please join me on bended knee... We need it now before we slide into our pattern from last year.

Please let today be a good day....

  

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

 

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss, no way it's all good, it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look, I'm still around

 

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, Fuckin' perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing you are fuckin' perfect to me

 

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself, you are wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead

 

So complicated, look how big you'll make it
Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game
 It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, see you do the same

 

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

 

The whole world stares while I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and we tried, tried, tried
But we try too hard, it's a waste of my time

 

Done looking for the critics 'cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Strange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

 

Ooh, pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

 Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me
You are perfect to me

You're perfect, you're perfect to me

Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

 

I'm making a promise right now. If I find out that h's critics are the ones that are suppose to be helping him, I will not be held responsible for my actions! That is a PROMISE!! You fuck with my kid, you fuck with me! Get your head out of your sorry ass and help my kid before I get really desperate!! 



 

 

 



Validations

Well a lot of people have asked how h has been doing.

I have decided to make a condensed & numbered list for your convenience.

1. Taking responsibility for every bad decision made!
2. Explaining rationally his side of the story for each bad day!
3. Looked at the list of ingredients on the "snacks" available from his piano teacher!
4. Mentioned that he "missed" taqis and cheese puffs when we were at the store. He also said he wishes they weren't made with Red Dye 40!
5. A little girl in his class had a birthday and brought cookies. Some had pink icing and some had white. He chose the one with white after consulting with his teacher!
6. Has dropped 1 pant size since school started! At the beginning of the year I bought him men size 40 shorts. They fell off at the front door one day and we cracked up laughing. I went to the store and bought him a 38 and a new belt! He was so excited.
7. Starting to realize that we will walk to school every morning and we will walk home every afternoon.
8. The other day while we were walking it started raining really hard. h asked if I had an umbrella. I told him no. I thought he was going to have a fit. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said "Good thing we aren't made of sugar!" I said "Hey, you stole my line!" He just started laughing. Soon we were both laughing so hard. h told me "I think we are going to need a towel when we get home!
9. h is starting to laugh more at home.
10. h is starting to smile more and more!

These are all reasons to celebrate but seeing my son smile is worth more than anything!
 

Huge h breakthrough

Well yesterday wasn't the best of days for h.

I asked him how he did at school and he said BIC was called but he didn't have to stay in the BIC room. He said they were called because he threw a fit during recess.

Then h did something truly amazing!
He looked me IN THE EYE and said "Mom, I didn't have any food dye. I just had a bad day."

He gets what I'm doing for him.
He took responsibility.
He recovered on his own.
He stayed in class.

I just can't tell you how much of a breakthrough this is.

I am completely overwhelmed with emotions.

Last night for dinner I made fettucini chicken alfredo for dinner. 
I made a BUNCH of it hoping we would have some leftover for lunches.
NOPE
My family ate it all. There wasn't even a mouse scrap left.

Noticing I had chicken that needed to be cooked still in my fridge, I started making another batch.
I cooked the chicken and the noodles last night. 
This morning I made the alfredo sauce and threw it all together to heat it up.
I hope my kids appreciate their lunch today...

Almost forgot,
Last night I made some new snacks.
Cheez-its (new variation)
Chocolate graham crackers
Apple-Cinnamon sticks

Recipes will be added later today.

Food Dye RED 40 is going to kill me....

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Where do I start??

If you were questioning my red dye 40 theory with h, you need to read this.

I am seriously onto something here OR there are many coenky dinks around....

This ALL happened last week into this week.

MONDAY (1st day of school)
If you remember from my previous blog, h had a great day. His teacher was awesome and she prayed for him.

Monday AFTER SCHOOL, a gourmet cupcake shop in town was giving away a FREE cupcake to all students/teachers from like 4-7. (This place's cupcakes are like $42/dozen!)

Well, not one to pass anything for free up, G loaded the kids into the van and took them. Before they left I said "Make sure h either orders Vanilla OR White Wedding Cake!"

h ordered Maple Bacon. Maple Bacon is brown... isn't red a color in brown?

Monday's dinner was Grilled steak, barracho beans and green beans.

TUESDAY
Vanilla Krave cereal from HEB for breakfast. NO FOOD DYES on the label. h was being a total shit in the morning. He wasn't following directions and I couldn't keep him focused on dressing, breakfast & taking his medications.

h had a very bad morning at school. He apparently "kicked" another student. He said he didn't, the teacher asked him to apologize (for touching) and he refused! This led to an interruption into class time and BIC had to be called. h returned to the class in the afternoon and had a great rest of the day. When I asked h what happened he owned up! This is HUGE!! He never takes responsibility for his actions.

Tuesday night dinner was fish sticks and goldfish mac & cheese (no food dyes!).

WEDNESDAY
h didn't give me any problems waking up. He dressed on his own, took his medicine and waited patiently for his waffles to be finished.
He acted perfectly at school and had an awesome day. Since he was suppose to see his therapist, but didn't because of a scheduling error, we ran a few errands just the 2 of us.
He went to 2 different stores with me and acted like a typical 8 year old boy. A little bored but kept on trucking.

Wednesday night dinner was something called "Crazy Reed". It is a chicken/spinach/noodle dish that I copied from Cook Children's hospital.

THURSDAY
h didn't give me any problems waking up. He dressed on his own, took his medicine and waited patiently for his egg in the hole to be finished.
He acted perfectly at school and had an awesome day. I picked him up early so he could see his psychiatrist. He volunteered to take the stairs and waited very patiently by playing his Kindlefire.

Thursday night dinner was Rotisserie chicken (made from my rotisserie) and rainbow chard.

FRIDAY
Again, h didn't give me any problems at all. He handled his routine perfectly. However, since I woke up late I said he could have cereal for breakfast. The choices were Fruity Pebbles, Froot Loops and Chocolate Krave (Kellogg's brand). I told him he could have the Krave. I didn't even bother to look at the list because the HEB brand had no Red 40 in it.

Friday was a shit day for h. I am not sure what all happened but he ended up throwing his Expensive Planetbox lunch box across the stage in the cafeteria. Yeah, he did that AFTER he hit a boy with it. (h said the boy called him fat over and over again so he had to teach him a lesson.) 3 staff members later and he was back in the BIC room. Not only did he go to that room, he has to report there on Tuesday! When he got home he was foul tempered and unbearable to be around. I felt stupid because I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. Just for shits & giggles, I looked at the Krave box. Want to guess an ingredient? RED 40! h had 2 bowls of that cereal for breakfast!

Friday dinner was sweet potato greens with chicken.

SATURDAY
h had a pretty good, typical 8 year old is bored day..

SUNDAY
h had a pretty good, typical 8 year old is bored day.

MONDAY
NO SCHOOL.
Same as the weekend.
Daddy took the kids to the pool and also packed a "snack bag" while I was out shopping for fresh fruit.
Part of the snacks, were some Mickey Mouse shaped suckers that my friend bought the kids at Disneyland. I honestly forgot to give them to the kids. Then I started this whole "no red dye" experiment and decided not to let the kids have them for a while.
G let the kids have them. He was even so proud when he said he wouldn't let h have the red one.
Guess what color h did have? ORANGE! I'm not a college honor student like h's dad but it seems I remember RED & yellow make up orange?? WTF G!!!!

Dinner consisted of grilled steak, grilled corn on the cob and goldfish mac & cheese (no dyes). h pretty much refused to eat and complained the entire time!

Monday night sucked. h was refusing to take a shower and he didn't want to go to bed. He even tried sneaking his Kindlefire in bed with him.

TUESDAY (today!)
h was a fucking nightmare this morning. He refused to wake up and get ready. I heated up English muffins for breakfast while I prepared the kids' lunches.
Battle after freaking battle.
Before we walked to school G told h he was grounded from his Kindlefire.
While walking to school h was practically growling he was in such a foul mood.
I told h that if he got out of BIC early in the day then I would give him his Kindlefire afterschool.

While I waited for him this afternoon I was scared for him.

He walked to the van SMILING! He told me he was able to leave the BIC room before morning announcements were made! HOORAY!!

I let him grab his Kindlefire out of the house on our way to the triplets school. He unlocked the front door, grabbed his Kindlefire, locked the front door, grabbed a package from the UPS man & thanked the UPS man, got in the van and told me Thank You!

h started piano lessons today and had a great first lesson. His piano teacher said he was the best first timer she has ever had! He was more concerned with practicing then he was with eating dinner.

h went to bed with little to no problems.

Dinner tonight was homemade stroganoff (recipe floating around Facebook.)

The food dye has got to be the answer.

I will be more vigilant in ridding our house of this shit.

DIE RED 40!!

Guess what else???

 

h's teacher?

 

SHE CALLED MY HOUSE TONIGHT AT 8:30 PM TO TELL US WHAT A FABULOUS DAY h HAD!!

 

HOW MANY TEACHERS DO THAT??

 

I feel like a very blessed woman tonight!

It's going to be a great year!!

It's going to be a great year!!

I can feel it!

I know I am onto something with this red food dye experiment.

This morning I made the kids waffles. It was the 1st day of school!

I also made their lunches in their expensive lunch boxes.
Do you realize the anxiety involved in making lunches that don't have anything pre-packaged in them? It's extremely stressful! I have people ask me..."It's just lunch. Why are you stressed?"
Well... It's NOT just lunch.
This is a meal that needs to get my kids from point a to point b during the day.
If they are having a bad day and I send them junk for lunch do you think the day will get better or worse?
If they are having a bad day and I send them healthy food that looks pretty then I think the day will get better.

So today was the first day and this is what their lunch looked like...

I prepared by making the small muffin looking things the night before.

I think that lunch looks yummy!

Remember when I said I made them waffles for breakfast?
This morning was relatively calm while everyone got dressed and ate.
I walked h to school because he starts before everyone.
When we walked into the school I asked him if he wanted to go to the BIC room or if he wanted to go to the 3rd grade holding station (cafeteria). He thought about it a little while and decided the cafeteria!
I couldn't believe it!
I waited in the cafeteria with him and when his teacher showed up I explained what a big deal this was.
I reluctantly left the school and proceeded to have a small anxiety attack.
I decided to spend the majority of the day running errands.
When I got home I noticed I had a message from the school.

My first thought was

SHIT! NOT AGAIN!

I listened to the message expecting the worst and instead it was a message of encouragement.
Yup, h's new teacher had left a message saying what a fabulous day he was having. She said that she knew I was nervous and wanted to be sure I was reassured.

I was so overwhelmed I started to cry.

I honestly can't explain my feelings.

All I can say is that I feel like a weight has been lifted.
I feel like he has a teacher that truly has his best intentions at heart.
I feel like this is the year everyone will see how wonderful my son is.
I feel like this is the year where my anxiety level will even out.
I feel like my house could go back to normal again.
I feel like there is hope for my baby boy.
I feel like this teacher is a blessing.

Did I mention that she said she prayed for h this weekend.

His new teacher prayed for him!

I feel like we are right where we need to be...  we're not a perfect family but we are family.

WE CAN DO THIS!!


Now if you'll excuse me... I have to take out my homemade cheesy chicken taquitos out of the oven and finish my homemade ranch dip.

Why the hell do I do this shit at midnight instead of during the day??

Divine Intervention?

Do you believe in divine intervention?

Ever since I spent a small fortune on 5 planetboxs I have been stressing about what is going to go in them. They have a little area that is good for the "treat/dessert". G teased me and said that I could give them 4 chocolate chips because that is about as big as it is.

Last week I was at my home away from home, Costco.
While standing in line I noticed them sampling almond pops.
.
These little bites of yummy goodness fit PERFECTLY in the little dessert section of our new planetbox lunch boxes.

This is the bag...

 

They are gluten free, oven baked, kosher, all natural.

And best of all...

 

NO food dyes!

 

Then today I got my newest box in from zulily.

In all the times I have received boxes from this awesome website, I have NEVER had a sample of anything.

 

Today there was this...

 

Toothpaste that is DYE FREE!!!

 

As if I needed more affirmation... "Made for kids 8+" is written right there on the box.

The expiration date on the coupon is March 2014. h's birthday is in MARCH!!

 

 

Do you believe in divine intervention?

 

Do you believe this is a higher power telling me that giving my kid dye free stuff is the key??

 

I know what I believe and right now I believe I will go cry....

Is this the cure for h???

I came across a website recently called www.diefooddye.com.

This is what caught my eye....

**********************************************************

12 Signs Your Family Has Food Coloring Sensitivity

Do you or anyone in your family exhibit these signs of dye sensitivity?
1.  Hyperactivity:  Can’t stop moving, runs most of the time, constant movement of hands and feet.
2.  Lack of attention:  Cannot focus either at home or school – without affecting all areas of life all the time (not ADD).
3.  Sleep problems:   Has a hard time settling down for sleep, or has sleep disturbances throughout the night.
4.  Mood swings:  Unexplained emotional problems, hours-long tantrums, inconsolable crying, paranoia, and meltdowns over tiny things or schedule changes.
5.  Violence/Aggression:  Biting, spitting, growling, hitting, kicking, and uncharacteristic mean talk.
6.  Lack of impulse control:  Increase in risky behaviors, excessive talking at inappropriate times, loud talking, disruptive, interrupts people a lot, hard to transition from one activity to another, does not adjust behavior in response to discipline.
7.  The Ickies:  Headaches, stomach aches, and vomiting.
8.  Bed-wetting:  This includes daytime wetting, well past the age of toilet training.
9.  Skin ailments:  Eczema and hives.  My daughter had eczema and cradle cap before we eliminated dyes.
10. Breathing problems:  Some kids require an inhaler due to dye-induced asthma.
11. Compulsiveness:  Pulls out hair, eyelashes or eyebrows, picks at skin, repeats certain actions numerous times.
12. Not consistent: This is the single most important clue to watch for.  Can you give your kid sugary treats without problems some days, but then other times, they freak out?
**********************************************************

NOW, if you've been reading my blog for a while you know what kind of shitty year I had last year with h.

Let me tell you something right now....
This list describes h.
He has ALL 12!!
No, he doesn't use an inhaler but he does have some breathing issues at night.

For me this is affirmation that I am on the right track!
I have been stressing about lunches this year because I am on a mission to keep pre-packaged items out of them.

Thank you JG for showing me this website!!

Experimentation time!

Ok I am on a mission to get my kids healthy.

My 8 year old now weighs 55 pounds less than I do!!

I bought into a co-op program that has organic fruits and vegetables.
I don't know if I buy into the whole "organic" thing but I figured its not hurting anyone so I'll give it a go.

Saturday I picked up my whole share in Ft. Worth off 7th street.

In my bin (30 lbs) I had celery, bananas, kale, cherries, squash, Japanese sweet potatos, cucumbers, zucchini, butternut squash, collard greens, sweet potato greens and shitake mushrooms (yuk!)

Sweet potato greens? WTF are those?
Collard greens? I know what they are but I have never made any! Like NEVER!

So I consulted my good friend google and made the sweet potato greens. I recently posted on facebook that my kids ate them like I wasn't going to feed them again. There was even an arguing match over who got to eat the rest.
For those wondering.. I ate the rest.
I mean shit I'm the one shocked them back to life when they were "accidentally left in the car all day during tax free weekend and 100+ heat". I chopped the stems up. I chopped an onion up. I sauted them in EVOO. Then I added the leaves and some PURE maple syrup. Those puppies were so good the kids are dang lucky I even let them have some!

So tonight I ventured into the collard green territory.
I put the greens in a pot with some ham shanks, a diced onion and about 2 boxes organic chicken stock from Costco. I let them come to a boil. Then I simmered them for 3 1/2 hours while I worked upstairs in the kids' rooms.

The smell was so awesome all day.

Isn't that pretty? Can't you just see the steam? Smell it? Yup it smelled amazing.

Well I knew I was going to drain it and add something else but I didn't know what.
Well my friend SS & collard green aficionado said that I should add hot sauce & sugar.
So I did.

 

Just like the sweet potato greens from the other night, my kids inhaled these before they realized I might have put a little too much hot sauce in them...

 

 

So to make up for the burning mouths I let them have dessert.

Here are 4/5 of my kids enjoying their homemade frozen smoothie things.

The smoothie recipe was found on a website called 100 days of real food.

1.5 cups plain organic greek yogurt

1 cup fresh strawberries

2 tablespoons honey

2 tablespoons milk

½ – ¾ cup fresh spinach leaves

Optional: if using fresh berries (instead of frozen) add some ice cubes

 

I threw it all in my ninja.

Then I filled up these silicone bpa free things I bought on amazon. Put them in a big plastic cup and set it in the freezer.



Tonight they squeezed the bottom of the silicone things and worked the smoothie up to the top like a push pop.

SUCCESS!!

Maybe eating healthy won't be so hard after all.

Next up....

Homemade nutrigrain bars and graham crackers.

I can do this!
I can do this!
I can do this!

In other news.
I bought myself a new TCU shirt.

Size??
MEDIUM!!

I like it but it sure showcases my DDD's!!

Summer Sucks... Bring on SCHOOL!

This summer sucks.

I have been trying to hold onto my sanity and it's not working.
When these days happen do you know what I do...

YUP! I bake!

However, with some recent discoveries (h's weigh in at the shrink) I have decided to make some drastic changes around here.

My 12 step program to healthy lunches...

Step One:
Bought all my kids expensive ass Planetbox lunch boxes.

Step Two:
These new lunch boxes will prevent me from buying baggies and pre-packaged lunch crap.

Step Three:
Dust off all "as seen on tv" items from garage.

Step Four:
Start experimenting with "as seen on tv" items.

Step Five:
Convince children that dehydrated fruit tastes much better than fruit snacks.

Step Six:
Convince children that homemade beef jerky is much better than store bought.

Step Seven:
Convince children that raisins CAN taste good if you make them yourself from big ass juicy grapes.

Step Eight:
Make a chicken in your own rotisserie to show children that whole chickens can taste good.

Step Nine:
Keep buying fruit and throwing it in Ninja because ONE DAY you will figure out how to make homemade fruit roll ups.

Step Ten:
Convince children that drinks found in pouches don't taste as good as water. (yeah right)

Step Eleven:
Get children excited about new lunch possibilities!

Step TWELVE:
STOCK up on LOTS of wine because I'm starting to feel overwhelmed about these future "healthy" lunches.

Leaving on a jet plane...

Oh goodness.
It is that time of year when we do something I never thought we could.

WE LEAVE OUR HOUSE to go on vacation.

Of course, if it were up to G we wouldn't even be going.

For the past week, I have managed to help my kids finish up their last days of school. I have shuffled some kids to the dr, I took myself to the dr, I went upstairs (AARRGGHH!!!) to find "suitable" clothes for vacation.

I packed for SEVEN people!

SEVEN

Why, because apparently I am the only one who knows how to match outfits and place the damn things in suitcases.
I don't even bother with asking anyone what they want to take.
If I have to pack it, then you don't get to decide.

I have made countless trips to Target this week because I kept forgetting something.

As I sit here tonight with a quiet house (I have to wake everyone up at 3 AM!) I am reflective on how I have done with this so called "Orange Rhino" challenge.

You want to know something??

I fucking hate Rhinos and the color orange.

I don't know what it is about vacation but packing for one sucks.
Packing for SEVEN sucks worse.
Dealing with the last days of school also sucks.
Hearing that your son left his BRAND NEW RALPH LAUREN jacket at school, on a day when the school is closed! (Totally sucks!)
Visiting the "medicine dr" to help bring your kid out of his funk sucks.
Agreeing to get both girls hair dyed with some funky streaks and then having ONE of them swim the same day SUCKS!! Yup that pretty neon pink is a softer pink now. Her reply "Well... it was a swim party and besides I like this color of pink better!" (Sucks!)
Having to clean my house so the dog sitter won't break her neck sucks.

How in the hell am I not suppose to yell with all this sucky stuff going around??

I don't know.

All I know is that whatever little lesson this crazy lady came up with, it ain't working over here.

I yell because the above stuff pisses me off.

Ok, I only really yelled about the jacket and the hair but still...

ORANGE RHINOS SUCK!!

In order to keep my ass calm it is going to take a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Perhaps I should start a PG support group.

"Do you feel like yelling? Grab some PG!"

Wait a minute...
I think this support group already exists....

AA

Maybe I can think more along these lines....

This time tomorrow I will be in the middle of the ocean..................................................... starting to feel relaxed already!!

Before & After so far!

In case you need visual proof of what 186 pounds REMOVED looks like.

BEFORE

How many chins can you count in this picture??

 

 

AFTER

Look y'all I have boobs!

Actually I thought they would be the first to go but they aren't changing cup sizes. The number around is getting smaller, hello Victoria's Secret, but the cup is still the same!

I'm getting curvy........

HELLO 1's!!!

Can I just start off by saying

HOLY SHIT!!!

I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it!
I can't fucking believe I did it!
Honestly I can't!!

Ok... the number on the scale this morning.........

199

Ok, so I am barely there..... but I am there!!

This means that to date I have lost................................... DRUM ROLL PLEASE..............................

186 POUNDS
186 POUNDS
186 POUNDS

That is more than my girlfriends weigh!

HOLY SHIT

While I was at Dr. Takemyfatawaynow's office he kept staring at me. (SWOON!)

I finally stopped talking and asked him why he was staring at me.
The man actually blushed!! (SWOON)

Then he told me that he was noticing how small my face looks.
You see there was only a 2 pound difference on the scale from my last visit but he assured me that even though the scale shows 2 pounds, my body shows something completely different.
Then he proceeded to show me some print outs from his fancy schmancy scale and told me that since my last visit. Even though the scale shows 2 pounds I have lost over 10 pounds in FAT!

He made me feel so much better.
All my stress and anxiety of the last year nearly faded when he looked me in the face, blushed and told me my face looked small.

Now my stress is back because we leave for vacation Sunday (flight is at 7 AM) and here it is Thursday and I have not packed yet.

I guess I better take my CONSIDERABLY SMALLER ASS and start packing for 7!

Tomorrow I am getting my hair done and if you think I was sassy before.... you ain't seen nothin' yet!!!

This Southern girl is gonna be rockin' some serious sass tomorrow!

186 POUNDS DOWN

59 to go until I reach my goal!

Almost there!

203

I honestly can't believe it!

I am so close to the 1's now I can almost see it.

I do have bad days where I "forget" I can't just grab whatever and expect to eat it.

I am not hungry but my body thinks I am.

I think "Uhm... I think I'll have a snack."

Then 10 minutes later I'm hunched over the toilet wanting to kick my own ass.

I'm still here!

I'm still trying!

Shit I wish I was there already!

The 2s was my first goal.

The 1s are my next.

What magic number am I looking for after that??

Honestly... no freakin' clue.

All I know for sure is when I reach my goal I want to have surgery to get rid of all this damn skin. Dr. Takemyfatawaynow thinks I have about 60 pounds of skin!!!

Can you imagine getting rid of that much skin?? WOW!!!

The final surgery will be the most important....
Grab my boobs off my knees and put them where they go!

218

218

HOLY SHIT

I am only 19 pounds away from the 1's!

Since my revision, I have lost 22 pounds!!

I know that the next few months won't produce results as dramatic as this because I no longer have to eat broth!!

Whoop! Whoop!

I am on to soft foods again.

I know that when I started this blog I was honest about what I ate and what I thought of it and so forth. This time I am going to be even more honest.

Even though Dr. Takemyfatawaynow "suggested" that I don't drink alcohol, I did last Wednesday.
You see I went on a girls outing to Dallas to see Wicked.
Before the show we went to Twisted Root Burger Company for dinner.
This is a place that was featured on Diners, Drive ins and Dives so you know their food is AWESOME!

Well my bff LK ordered the burger I was drooling over.
It had bacon and blue cheese on it.
How can it not be fabulous??

Well we decided to split our dinner and I asked her to cut off 1/4 of that burger.
I removed the bun and immediately ate the bacon. YUM
Then I started to eat the burger portion with the blue cheese with a fork.
(Did I mention I had water while all the other bitches I was with were drinking beer??) LOL
I must mention that even though I probably only ate 1/2 of that burger, I also ate some fried pickles, like 4 of them. :)

Then we drove to Wicked and I immediately found the bar. (I know, its a gift!)
I ordered a vodka/cranberry... no bubbles.
OMG!!!
I am not sure if its because I hadn't had an "adult beverage" in forever or what but I sipped that sucker to try and make it last.

Let's say I am a cheap drunk again because when everyone else went to refill their drinks I was afraid to. You see I love my friends and they love me but even still nobody needs to be carrying my "stillfatass" to the car.

Even though I had 1 drink I felt kinda guilty.
You see I want my Dr. to be proud of me.
I want to be the patient that exceeds all the others.
I want to walk into his office and have him say "WOW!"

He already told me that I'm doing great and when I mentioned to him that I have a tricycle he said he wanted a picture of me on it just for him.(SWOON!!)

Then he said, when I reach my goal weight he wants a picture of me on it to put on his website.

Website? Smebsite!

When I reach my goal he is gonna want to put me on a billboard!!

254

254

That is the number that has been on my scale for EVER.
I tried exercising. I watched what I ate. I even tried to be nicer.

and yet....

254

No matter what, there was no change.

254
254
254

I know that this seems like a ridiculously high number to see on the scale.
You're right!
254 is a huge number.
But you know what??

384

That number is much higher.

384

That is the number that I saw when I was at a doctor's visit.
384
That is the number that haunted me as I approached 40.

How in the hell did I get myself in this position?
How in the hell did I get to be so fucking fat?
384
The sad part....
I didn't see it.
I actually thought I looked good.
What in the hell was I thinking?
NOBODY looks good at 384 pounds!

 

 

I thought I looked HOT in this picture.

HOT

HOLY SHIT what was I thinking???

How many freakin' chins can you count??

How round is my face??

What in the hell was I thinking??

 

So you know what I did. I had gastric bypass.

And for the past year all I have seen on the scale is

254

254 is better than 384

254 is better but not good.

 

So you know what I did.

I jumped through some pretty large hoops and decided to have a revision done.

You see it seems as though some people's bodies reject the gastric bypass.

Mine did that.

I did what I was suppose to MOST OF THE TIME

Yes, I'm not suppose to drink beer but sometimes I do.

I can't help it. I love dark beer on draft and if I have to drink a bottle I prefer Peroni and Belgium 1554.

 

A few beers didn't sabotage me.

 

Well before I went on my girls trip this year I went back to my liquid diet for a while so I could get in a smaller size.

It worked.

I wore a size 18 and the number was 248

248

248 but with my "fatsucker" that I bought at Target I was able to zip (while laying down) a pair of size 16 bling butt jeans.

248

248 is better than 254 but not much better.

 

Then I started doing the liquid diet again to get ready for my revision when I found out I had to have an emergency hysterectomy.

 

After my hysterectomy the scale said 244.

244

244 is better than 248 but I did have my uterus, tubes and ovaries taken out.

 

The night following my revision surgery the nurse said I weighed 240.

You see I was on a bed with a built in scale or something.

240

240 is better than the 254 I saw forever.

 

Well today I went to visit Dr. Takemyfataway to get my jp drain removed.

I was trying to decide what to wear and I reached for my size 16 bling butt jeans I bought for my girls trip.

Well obviously I couldn't wear my fat sucker because of the drain.

(Shit, I was lucky I could put my bra on!!)

 

While STANDING I put on my size 16 jeans and there seemed to be some wiggle room in the waist.

 

 

223

223

 

223 is what the scale said with bling butt jeans ON, a shirt on and a jp drain still attached!!

 

223

 

Is 223 the number I want to be at??

Hell no!

Is 223 a good start??

Hell yes!

 

Am I in pain from my surgery?

Yes

Am I on a liquid diet right now?

Yes

Am I sick of broth?

Yes

Am I sick of feeling like crap?

Yes

Am I sick of not being able to drive?

Yes

Am I sick of being forced to rest?

Yes

Am I sick of asking people for help?

YES

Did all those feelings go away when I saw 223 on the scale??

HELL YES

 

You see, I am in pain. I am sick of broth. I am sick of "resting". I am sick of not being able to drive.

I am sick of asking people for help.

 

However, I know that it will be worth it.

 

To some I may seem shallow trying to look my best.

To others, I am really no different from anyone else who tries to look good.

 

384 didn't look good to me.

254 didn't look good to me.

 

What will look good to me?

I can't say for sure.

 

I do know that I am on the right path no matter how hard this path may be this is what I have chosen for myself.



What's Going on??

Ok... time for some explanations..

Yes I have basically had 2 back to back surgerys.
The first one was a total hysterectomy on Feb 28th.
The second one was on MONDAY.

For stupid insurance reasons I had to jump through a bunch of hoops but it boils down to the fact that at 12 on Monday I went in for surgery.

The results are as follows...

 

3 inches was removed from my intestines

3/4 of my original pouch was cut off

a hernia was found and fixed while he was in there

 

So that is what I had done. The surgery lasted approximately 4 1/2 hours.

Once again I showed slow recovery with a low heartbeat and I couldn't keep my oxygen stats up.

They put me on oxygen and monitored me around the clock.

They made me get up from my hospital bed around midnight to walk the hallways and go to the restroom.

They kinda laughed at me when I asked for a toothbrush. :)

They came in my room every hour or so. I was hooked up to a morphine pump but I also had a medicine ball attached to the "sorest" area.

The next day I passed my upper gi test but my blood pressure went to 89/46 but gradually went up to 99/50. They put me back on oxygen and told me to get comfortable because I wasn't leaving anytime soon.

Wednesday I asked (begged) to go home. My blood pressure eventually went up a little, they took away my pump and said that if the blood results were good I could leave.

I got home Wednesday night around 7.

I missed my kids. I missed their smiles and their sweet voices.

Now I am home. I feel miserable but at least I knew what was basically going to happen.

This surgery is being labeled "revision".

IF I thought for one minute that the original gastric bypass hurt, then I clearly had no idea what pain was because this sucker is knocking me out!

 

Now, you know what I did and why I was in the hospital.

 

Hopefully by summertime, I will be really cute again. ;)

 

Thank you to all my friends who called to check on me. Your calls meant the world to me!

Is this school year over yet??

Well this year has been total shit as you all know.

However, this Thursday (tomorrow) little h will be leaving Sundance and headed back to his elementary school.

He has been at Sundace since February 13th and to say that I am scared shitless would be an understatement.
He has made remarkable progress. He smiles a lot now and that is something I didn't think I would see again.
All his medication has been changed and some more has been added.

Is the meds the reason for the change? I can't say.

I know that whenever he says something negative, he has to say 2 positive things about himself.
I LOVE this rule and wish I could implement it into the school district.
It could be called "littleh's law".

Can you imagine if all school kids were forced to say 2 positive things about themselves??

It might cut down on bad behaviors all around.

Anyways, as I was saying, I am really scared for him to go back.

You see while he was at Sundance, I had a total hysterectomy. I was able to have the surgery, spend the night in the hospital and recover like I'm suppose to because I knew they would never call me.

Now the time has come for my other surgery.

You see, ever since my gastric bypass I have felt like something wasn't right.
I stopped losing weight.
I started spending way too many hours in my toilet room.
I always felt naseous.
I kept having intense stomach pains.

Well, after having Dr. Takemyfatawaynow do a scope on me we have found some issues.

It seems as though I have an intestinal blockage and my pouch has failed as a result.
What does this mean??

I have to get it fixed.

My Dr. wanted it fixed several weeks ago but the "emergency hysterectomy" took precedence.

Now it looks like I will be having it done next week.

NEXT WEEK is when little h goes back to school.

There are so many what ifs going on in my head that I have worked myself into a frenzy.

I want what is best for my son but I also need to take care of me.

Am I being selfish?
I feel selfish.

Shit... my life feels like it is in the toilet.

Miracle #5 update

Oh my goodness where do I even start...

Little h (as I call my youngest) did fine over Christmas break and the first few weeks back at school. I explained to him that I was going on my annual girls trip and that if he behaved then I would pay for him to go to the Y afterschool that week. (His buddy A goes there!)

Well he seemed to get his shit together so I paid for his week. I did remind him that if he "blew it" while I was gone then we were going straight to Sundance (behavior center). He acted great and I thought wow the Y is his carrot. Then while I was gone, the Y called G to come get h, it was on a Thursday. G took off work the next day to get h directly from school instead of letting him go to the Y. I got home Superbowl Sunday and he told me that he was going to spend all of Monday in the BIC room because of a "little problem on Friday". I told him that I was dissapointed. When I picked him up Tuesday he never came to the van so I had to go into the school to find him. He was in the BIC room rolling around on the floor & screaming. I won't bore you with the details but basically what could have been a small problem escalated unnecessarily. (in my humble opinion). That was the day I called Sundance. I allowed him to go to school on Wed. but we went to our appointment at Sundance on Thursday. After interviewing us they told me he would start on Tuesday (a week ago yesterday). h went to school on Friday and Monday and acted SUPERB but by that time the damage had been done and a new plan was in place.

Before I signed him out of DPE I had an ARD that told me their diagnostic findings did not show h to have Autism.
Also, his sleep study showed NOTHING. No apnea, no restlessness (usually found in ADHD kids), no unusual brain activity. NOTHING!

So, basically h has been at Sundance for week one of a 4 ~ 6 week program.
They have changed his medicine and officially diagnosed him with bi-polar disorder.

How did all this shit happen??
At least I am finally getting answers.
I am also going there for therapy once a week.

h will be 8 on March 16th.

How do I feel about this?
Scared, confused, worried, stressed, etc., etc., etc....

I did just now buy tickets to the Monster Truck races for Saturday. I even got the more expensive ones so he can go in the pits.

It will be a date with just h and me.

I always seem to relate to a particular song during all my stressers with h. This time I find myself crying as I sing "I will Wait" by Mumford & Sons.

The lyrics follow....

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

 

 

Please continue to pray for my family.

This will be something that we can never escape and I need the strength to get through it.