August 14, 2010

Ok, I am about 2 days away from my surgery and my psychiatrist thinks I should write myself a good bye letter to my fat self. She actually suggested I start a diary, but we'll just say that I did that already with this blog. Today's weight 312.

If I am going to say good bye to my fat self then perhaps I should say good bye to all the shit that has happened in my life. You know the shit that I am talking about? No? Ok, when you explain a situation to a shrink and they say "This could have easily been the start of your overeating!". That is the shit I am talking about. There have been many prescriptions and counseling sessions with expensive professionals throughout the years to explain to me how I got this fat. Not one of them ever said "Put down the fucking candy bar fatass!" nor did they say... "You are fat because you sit on your ass all day and eat microwave popcorn for lunch!"
They have all thought the weight stemmed from one issue to another.

It has been 1 week since Dr. Kookoo told me to write this letter. The more I thought about it the more a quote stuck into my head...

That which we are capable of feeling, we are capable of saying... Miguel de Cervantes

Ok, I have felt these tormented feelings for a long time so it is time to say Good bye.

For those who want to judge me after this I bring a quote from Ephesians 4:32 KJV....

And he ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

I hereby say good bye and formally resolve all feelings from the following....

It was never my fault that I was sexually abused from my step-dad from a time I don't remember until I was a Senior in High School. I am ready to forgive you RM. You took away my innocence. You encouraged my provacity. You tried to ruin my life. Instead you made me weary of real feelings and eventually made me a stronger person. You are the reason that I look at men differently and you are the reason I will always look at men who look at my daughters. For that I thank you.

It was not my fault when the guy I was crazy about date raped me my Senior year.

It was not my fault the next year when I got raped by my boyfriend, resulting in a pregnancy when I was 18.

It was not my fault that I got a gun pointed to my head by said boyfriend, demanding an abortion.

It was not my fault that I got a ping pong table thrown on me when I refused the abortion.

It was my fault to go through with the abortion. I was young and I was a coward. Guns and ping pong tables should never be a deciding factor in any decisions.
It is a regret that has haunted me my entire life and I am ready to say good bye to that regret.
With that said... NOBODY should be judged by their decisions. NOBODY knows the full stories of the women that have to make these hard decisions. As an 18 year old seeing horrible picket signs and being harrassed as I walked through the door did not help my mental state. Would I do it again? No... of course not, my beliefs now are completely different than when I was 18. However, will I condemn someone that has to make that decision under harsh circumstances? Never!

It was not my fault when one of my best friends from high school decided to throw me out of my apartment in the middle of the night because my "girlfriend beater" boyfriend needed a place to stay. After all these years, I am ready to forgive you CM. You were my best friend for many years and you threw it away. I am now ready for you to come back into my life if God so sees fit.

I am now ready to admit that being plagued with infertility is not because God was punishing me for the abortion. For years and years I honestly thought this was the reason. I kept telling people that I was being punished for my sins. I honestly thought that I was given a chance to have a baby and I blew it.
If you are reading this and think "That rationalization does not make sense!", then you have never had problems with infertility.
The hormones alone will get you if the stress doesn't.
It is my opninion that if a marriage can survive infertility treatments then there isn't much more that will destroy it. You must be completely "on the same page" with your spouse/significant other to go through it. (I think parents that undergo fertility and/or have multiples, age in dog years!)

I am also ready to forgive Dr. Imakebabiesformoney. I was 13 weeks along with G and I's first baby when an office assistant called to tell G that the pregnancy "wasn't going to be viable after all". He was told that it should "pass in a few days" and if I had any questions.. give them a call. THIS IS EXACTLY HOW THE PHONE CALL WENT! This is also the first time I ever saw my husband cry.
I picked up the phone and demanded that the Dr. see me privately. I marched into his office and told him how rude he was. His quote... "Since you had an abortion when you were younger, I didn't think hearing this would upset you."
Yeah... whatever you're thinking right now.... imagine being on hormones AND sitting in front of this man saying these words.
I honestly wanted to hit him but for the first time in my life I felt "something" holding me back. I strongely believe it was God telling me to not bother with him.

I am also ready to forgive myself for thinking it was my fault that my quad pregnancy turned into a triplet pregnancy at 14 weeks. I thought it was something I did or said to myself that caused that 4th baby to not make it. It was NOT my fault this happened, it was just another speedbump on my way.

For anyone that I have done wrong I apologize. I never meant to hurt anyone intentionally.

With that said...
I am ready to say good bye to the fat Kim..
You have sheltered me from the real world. I have put up a good front for
people but you have always been in the center of all my thoughts. I wish
I never let myself get this way. I don't even know how it happened. One
day I looked in the mirror and there you were. I never want to see you again.
I am ready for a new day. I am ready for a fresh start. I am ready to be seen
as the person I know I am inside. I am ready for my family and friends to be
proud of me. I am ready for my life to change. I want to be the best I can be
and that is not possible with you around. It is time I said Good bye to you.
You have been around longer than you needed to be. I am ready to be the Mom,
wife, friend, daughter and sister that everyone can be proud of. I will embrace
one more picture with you for my reminder that you will never be around.
My life is going to change for the better and pretty soon I won't be known as
FAT KIM, I will be known as HOTMOMMA!!

This is my last post until after my surgery so I will leave you with a final thought that I give to my friends and family......

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement.
Philemon 1:7