September 23, 2010

Ok so the scale today is 281!
Clearly I am not dropping pounds like I would like.
Or perhaps it is the culmination of not pooping AND the monthly "gift" that is helping me tip the scales?

However, I am eating and drinking a bunch!
Yesterday alone I drank 2 vitamin water zeros and a bottled water with a package of pomegranite lemonaide crystal light. I am not so sure about crystal light but it was a nice change of pace. Overall I didn't eat that much. Probably because I am full from liquids. I just feel a huge overwhelming sense to drink constantly. I am always thirsty. So for now, I drink more than I eat.
Last night for dinner I had 3 small bites of grilled steak and 3 forkfuls of spaghetti squash. YUM! I love that stuff!!

The past few weeks took their toll on me.
I don't feel like my brain has caught up yet.
I want to exercise but I am not sure I am ready.
I know that the weight will "melt" off quicker if I could exercise.
Now I am paying for a gym membership and I am not using it.

I will say that I have decided to mark some things off my bucket list.
I recently bought a book with no pictures, small print and 562 pages.
It is an Oprah book club selection called FREEDOM.
For me, I don't know what the book is about I just wanted to buy it for the title.

FREEDOM
Do I now feel freedom because all my kids are in school?
Do I now feel freedom because I am free to eat and drink again?
Do I now feel freedom because I will soon be free of fat?
Do I now feel freedom because I feel better about myself?
Do I now feel freedom because I am now free to make better choices in my life, rather than settleing for the same 'ole same 'ole?
Do I now feel freedom because I have decided to rid myself of all the bullshit that comes with having this surgery?

I am not sure which one seems more important but the last one is probably the closest.
I am free to rid myself of all the bullshit.
Let me point it out for anyone still "on the fence" about my decision...

It's done. There is nothing you can say or do that will change it.

NO I didn't take the easy way out. No matter what you think, this was a hard decision and a total lifestyle change for me. I watch everything I eat. I struggle to make good choices. I struggle because I don't want to be that fat again. I know I will never be skinny but I also know that FOR ME this was the best decision. (Now please stop saying I took the easy way out before I end up punching you in the face!)

Yes, I would without question do this surgery again.
With any surgery you should expect complications because they can happen.
Have I had my fair share of complications recently?
You bet I have.
Would I change my mind about the surgery if I could?
Absolutely 100% NO!
This surgery is my lifeline to the real world.
I did not take the easy way out so stop saying it.
This was MY decision because it is MY body.

Today is my follow up appt with my dietician, physchiatrist and Dr. B.
I was prepared to file a formal complaint against the front office and nurse.
Now I realize something more important.
I am in control of my body, nobody else is.
I should have stood up for myself and demanded quick action when I was having a problem. Instead I relied on the instinct that somehow someone was listening to me.
Now today I have to come to grips with the fact that this was my fault.

As a mother, if this was happening to any of my children I would have taken them to the ER the 2nd day. Why then, as mothers do we put off our own health? How are we suppose to take care of our children when we can't take care of ourselves?

Today is a new day.

Today is my Freedom from 2nd place.